First off– we don’t personally have a huge problem with Mr. Francis. I mean, no one seems to have a problem with FemSkin, or sexing up toddlers, or the Brazzers franchise (super NSFW, duhh), and each of these businesses do nothing to further the female plight in life. Joe Francis took a worldwide affinity for college girl boobs and made it accessible for the low low price of $9.99 for two DVDs not that I’ve ever seen one, although the quality of both video and DVD case are worse than that of a high school ska band’s music video, NOT that I’ve ever seen one.

HOWEVER, If I were to predict a G-list celebrity who would end up having an ex-employee write a tell-all that painted him as a slimy douche-bag and also outed the drug problems of a famous socialite, my first choice would have been right on target: Joe “Girls Gone Wild” Francis. According to Gawker, the sleazy-home-video impresario is attempting to block the sale of a book by his former employee, Ryan Simkin, called FLASH! Bars, Boobs, and Busted: 5 Years on the Road with Girls Gone Wild.

Unfortunately, 4th Street Media (the book’s publisher) has released a seething 20-page motion to stop his complaints that is actually almost as funny as Joe Francis calling himself an “entrepreneur and philanthropist”. In the motion, they call Joe everything from a “sick bastard” to a “juvenile smut-peddler,” to “Douchebag of the Decade,” which is kind of awesome.

I mean, after ten years of making money off drunk girls with low self-esteem, partying and sleeping with numerous celebrities and pioneering one of the most successful yet lowest quality (not that I’ve ever seen one) porn businesses, I think it’s time to take the good with the bad and let the book hit the shelves.

It’s not like we’re gonna be shocked when we hear that you ordered 4 8-balls of coke and 20 hits of ecstasy for Paris Hilton which she traveled with by WTF SHOVING THEM IN HER VAGINA ALL AT ONE TIME?

PRE-ORDERING THIS BOOK NOW.

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It’s (un)official, everyone. Summer is over. You look at the weather we’re working with down in beautiful sunny San Diego (awful ugly cold San Diego) and you can tell: it’s over. Long gone are the years when summer lasted a cloudless 3 months, and instead our favorite season now spans a sparse four days, spread out between February and August. Pathetic.

So now it’s unofficially fall, the most boring of all seasons, the segue into winter hell, and it’s time to figure out how to spend these cold months without developing Seasonal Affective Disorder. Here are BCU’s top 5 ways to make fall go by quicker.

1) Buy/build an outdoor bonfire pit

Amazon (as well as your local Home Depot) has a wide selection of portable outdoor firepits that can help warm the chilly nights, will aid in your creation of God’s Dessert (S’mores), and will make your backyard the ultimate fall party spot. If you’re short on funds (aren’t we all?) you can check out this YouTube video on how to build your own. Note: just as you shouldn’t drink and drive or drink and ex-text, you should probably avoid putting fire in the hands of someone who’s blacked out drunk. Just sayin’.

2) Stock up on liquers

Nothing tastes better on a cold night like an Irish coffee, a Bailey’s and cream, or a hot buttered rum. Just one of these babies will keep you toasty from the inside while giving you a frisky buzz in case you have a special guest (re: booty call) over for the night. Keep in mind: the sugar content in these will not only pack on pounds around the middle but will also give you a hangover that feels like someone used Poseidon’s trident to send water-lightning at your brain. Stick to one or two mugs.

3) Hit the gym

It’s ugly outside and soon the down jackets and boots will be hitting the scene, but that doesn’t mean you should let your physique turn into that of an exploded Pillsbury biscuit can. No matter how much you think you need “winter fat,” no one can deny the difference between this and this. Plus, based on the way this summer went, Winter is about to last until next July. No excuses.

4) Get it on

After your gym sesh and following Bailey’s and coffee, your next step should be to call (or message) a booty call and get them over to your place, stat. Considering the weather is cool enough to actually be under the covers and not writhing around in your own sweat on top of them and avoiding skin-on-skin contact, you should be hopping into bed as often as possible. Period.

5) Get out of town

Whether it be a party spot a few towns over or somewhere on the other side of the world, getting out of your comfort zone for a weekend will make you forget your cold weather blues and also give you something to look forward to throughout the week.

Hope your weekend went well. I’ll be over here crying into my jean shorts. Au revior, crappiest summer ever.

With the unemployment rate hovering just below 10% these days, we’re all lucky to even have a job, whether it be at a fast food joint or a clothing store or as a fart-joke-loving blogger pretending to know about fantasy football when she clearly only watches the sport to admire the spandex-clad butts. We should all be grateful that we make enough money to live, house ourselves, and eat, and should be frugal with our remaining funds.

Look. What I’m trying to get at here, is you need to stop trolling the clubs looking for booty, when you’ve got VIP service at Club OBC, full of singles looking for the same thing you are. Need more proof? Check out the chart below for our booty cost comparison!

When you think about things you should do before you ask for a raise, the first thing you might think would be work hard, be productive, take suggestions and criticism with grace, and put that “little extra in extraordinary.” When Summer’s Eve, creator of the most outdated form of feminine hygiene products still available on the market, thinks of the steps you should take before asking for a raise, they’d say to spray a vinegar and water solution up into your cooter, because your job performance and the cleanliness of your vagina are very strongly correlated. Or something.

Craiglist’s “casual encounters” section is a virtual candy store of weird fetishes, transsexual prostitution, and gay dudes who refuse to accept their gayness and instead rely on “mutual touching, I’m not gay” experiences. And yet, even I was surprised when I came across this ad for an orgy (I’m sorry, “friendly adult party”) at the Penny Arcade gamer festival in Seattle in September. Hilariously enough, it was updated by the poster who was apparently caught off guard that most of the responses were from single dudes. At a video gamer festival? NO WAY.

Click for the full version.