With the unemployment rate hovering just below 10% these days, we’re all lucky to even have a job, whether it be at a fast food joint or a clothing store or as a fart-joke-loving blogger pretending to know about fantasy football when she clearly only watches the sport to admire the spandex-clad butts. We should all be grateful that we make enough money to live, house ourselves, and eat, and should be frugal with our remaining funds.

Look. What I’m trying to get at here, is you need to stop trolling the clubs looking for booty, when you’ve got VIP service at Club OBC, full of singles looking for the same thing you are. Need more proof? Check out the chart below for our booty cost comparison!

When you think about things you should do before you ask for a raise, the first thing you might think would be work hard, be productive, take suggestions and criticism with grace, and put that “little extra in extraordinary.” When Summer’s Eve, creator of the most outdated form of feminine hygiene products still available on the market, thinks of the steps you should take before asking for a raise, they’d say to spray a vinegar and water solution up into your cooter, because your job performance and the cleanliness of your vagina are very strongly correlated. Or something.

Welcome back to this week’s edition of The Three Things You Have to Do This Weekend. This week: Super F—ing Hot Outside edition. Expect your activities to be a feeble attempt at forgetting that we’re all currently living inside my mother’s rice cooker.

1) Pool-Pong

Assuming you don’t live in my labor camp of an apartment complex that requires people to leave the fun at the entrance gates (No diving? No inflatable toys? No glass shards? What is this, Communist Russia?), grab one of these sweet Port-o-Pongs and get playing. Best parts about the Port-o-Pong? Cup holders to deter spillage, easily stored, and you don’t have to ever leave the table to pee. Grab your most competitive friends and some sunscreen and get your pong on!

2) Go to the Drive-In

The Expendables is out, and if you haven’t seen it yet, then a) I hate you and b) go see it. And since the night air is still hot as balls, going to a drive in with friends is a great way to watch this ultimate bad-ass action flick. Go to Drive-ins.com to find your local open air theater and don’t forget snacks, beer, and a sober driver. The best part about the drive-in? You NEVER have to leave the movie to pee!

3) Make some delicious fish tacos

Let’s talk about seafood, guys. I am a person who, honestly, isn’t the hugest fan of food that to me smells like the dead rotting fish flesh that you find tangled up in seaweed on the beach. However, as time goes on we learn that our under the sea friends have far more health benefits (mainly related to the high concentration of fish oil heavy Omega-3s) than we ever knew before. So I’m trying here. For those of you who share my picky attitude towards fish, try out this recipe for Baja style fish tacos – they’re battered and fried and can be topped with salsa and avocado — completely masking the fish taste, and helping you get used to what could someday be your new favorite food. Try out this recipe at FoodNetwork.com, accompany them with some rice, beans, and Pacificos, because Corona is not a man’s beer, and you are a man.

See you Monday, Weekend Warriors!

Let this be a warning: Always ask yourself, is this really a photo I’d be okay with the entire universe seeing? Because whether there be a suspicious looking gadget, blatant proof that you shouldn’t have procreated, or a major example of TMI, SOMEONE from lamebook will find it, save it, and keep it for the world to see.

This is your last warning.

Come on, guys. Come on.