img @ sheknows

AskMen’s annual Great Male Survey came out this week, and it is just full of interesting facts. Many sites are just looking at this year’s results and making assumptions based on those, but we are hard-hitting journalists here at BCU and we don’t half-ass things like other websites (false: we usually half-ass things). So we decided to go the distance this year and dig up the information from last year’s survey for comparison, which was extremely difficult (false: we just Googled it).

Here are some very poignant facts we’d like to point out. AHEM.

1) Less men are falling into the marriage trap

Last year, 75% of men said they would get married, because they believe in the institution and want to preserve their family line. This year, that number dropped to 67%, which, using our engineering class math skills, is like, 8…ish%? Needless to say, congrats, guys, we’re glad watching reruns of Jon and Kate Plus 8 did you at least one favor.

2) Less dudes are getting laid

HEY GUYS, TIME TO MAN UP. Compared to last years 17%, this years survey showed that 25% (THAT IS A QUARTER OF YOU) of guys “have no sex life.” We have no words to even discuss this with you. Men — What are you doing wrong?! And women — come on, give it up.

3) Men still have penis-self-esteem problems

Aw, booo!  When did you boys become like middle-schoolers in training bras? Don’t be self conscious! Last year, 56% of you said you’d make your penis bigger, and apparently this year you feel the same, with 32% saying you’d make it bigger to feel better about yourself, and 22% to pleasure your partner more. How many times do we have to tell you it’s the not the size of the prize it’s the motion of the ocean?!

4) More of you are trying to bone your coworkers

Hey! Keep your pen out of the company ink for the hundredth time! Even though apparently you’re all still failing at it, the survey shows that this year 52% of you would try and sleep with a coworker if the situation arose, compared to only 46% last year. Eyes up, gentlemen, she’s your secretary, not your mistress!

5) You’re being more open about your fantasies

While we’re glad you might be keeping that “turned on by 1975 VW bugs” thing a secret, we’re glad that this year, more of you are being open about your fantasies. Compared to last year, when a whole 57% of you said your partners didnt’ know your fantasies, this years 45%: “Yes, but only some of them” and 13% “Yes, all of them” is a good sign that you’re willing to let us in on your dirty little secrets.

Thanks, AskMen, for giving the ladies some insight!

This week in Obviously Obvious News…

Continuing with the soccer theme -- don't do this. (img @ gamesnet)

I’ve never understood dudes’ affinity for punching each other in the balls. I mean, really, what do you get out of watching your friend writhing in pain, looking like they’re going to throw up all over themselves? You men practically cry watching a TV show where someone hurts their junk, and yet you have no problem viciously attacking a guy you consider to be your ‘bro’. It genuinely blows my mind.

Well, maybe this will finally force you to cut it out: a recent report by MSNBC stated that nearly 8,000 young men were treated for testicular tortion last year, most as a result from your so-called “friendly junk bumps.” However, doctors guess probably far more boys were injured and were just too embarrassed to come forward.

Guess what, brosephs — your little game of hitting each other where it hurts could be severely damaging- although a fairly non-invasive surgery can be used to fix the injury, those who don’t could see a doctor could suffer gangrene and have to have their testicle removed. That’s right: your balls could look like this:

OH GOD NEVERMIND THE PHOTOS ARE TOO TERRIBLE TO POST.

Needless to say…

Stop punching each other in the balls, you guys. It’s like messing with guns:  If you’re not careful, you’ll shoot your eyeball out, except in this case the gun is your friends fist and the eyeball is your… well… ball ball.

Teaching first-graders to spell, grocery lists, reminders to throw the trash out- these were the uses for magnetic alphabet letters when I was a kid. Somewhere around age 13 my friends and I turned to trying to spell “penis” even though the only letters left were W, R, M, and a number 4 (how’d that get in there anyway?). However, I now have an excuse to go out and see if I can find another set of the multi-colored magnets for a little adult fun. Whoever wrote the message below should pioneer the adult fridge letter industry!

As we all know, body language is one of the most important weapons men have in their arsenal to know if a woman is flirting with them. Women tend to try and play coy and “hard to get” which usually translates into “acting like a standoffish b****” even when they’re fairly interested.

However, even reading women’s body language can be tough, so the guys over at Asylum got some help breaking the body cues down.

This first pose, according to the expert, shows that she’s laid back and also “aggressively flirting” with you. Her relaxed pose says she’s comfortable with you, which is a nice way of saying she wants you. Now.

Eesh. You are doing something wrong, dude. Her crossed arms, paired with the lean away from you, shows that she’s not pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ out. Luckily, though, her feet are still pointed at you, so you might still have a chance.

This is another pose, that according to the expert, says she’s down to get down. Her half leaning stance says she’d ready to leave the bar with you, if you’d just get the balls and DO IT.

Her arms are back, giving you access to her chest. What do you THINK this means?

Check out more body language codes that either say “Let’s do this” or “Move along, nothing to see here,” at Asylum!

Forget old 80s VHS tapes with men in Coke-bottle glasses and salmon colored shirts, because this video, made by the Canadian Fortnight Lingerie company, is far and beyond the best CPR instructional video we’ve seen in… well, more than a fortnight, that’s for sure.

It stars two unbelievably hot ladies clad only in bras and panties, giving you the step by step directions on how to properly administer CPR, from “check for danger” (crawl around in your skivvies) to “tilt head back and administer two breaths” (TWO CHICK MAKING OUT), to begin “chest compressions” (THEY’RE FONDLING EACH OTHER OH MY GOD) to “repeat the cycle” (you guessed it: more making out; more fondling).

Had you played this for me at age 14, I think I might still remember how to do CPR, instead thinking it consisted of blowing in someone’s face and then punching them in the sternum.