img @ sheknows

AskMen’s annual Great Male Survey came out this week, and it is just full of interesting facts. Many sites are just looking at this year’s results and making assumptions based on those, but we are hard-hitting journalists here at BCU and we don’t half-ass things like other websites (false: we usually half-ass things). So we decided to go the distance this year and dig up the information from last year’s survey for comparison, which was extremely difficult (false: we just Googled it).

Here are some very poignant facts we’d like to point out. AHEM.

1) Less men are falling into the marriage trap

Last year, 75% of men said they would get married, because they believe in the institution and want to preserve their family line. This year, that number dropped to 67%, which, using our engineering class math skills, is like, 8…ish%? Needless to say, congrats, guys, we’re glad watching reruns of Jon and Kate Plus 8 did you at least one favor.

2) Less dudes are getting laid

HEY GUYS, TIME TO MAN UP. Compared to last years 17%, this years survey showed that 25% (THAT IS A QUARTER OF YOU) of guys “have no sex life.” We have no words to even discuss this with you. Men — What are you doing wrong?! And women — come on, give it up.

3) Men still have penis-self-esteem problems

Aw, booo!  When did you boys become like middle-schoolers in training bras? Don’t be self conscious! Last year, 56% of you said you’d make your penis bigger, and apparently this year you feel the same, with 32% saying you’d make it bigger to feel better about yourself, and 22% to pleasure your partner more. How many times do we have to tell you it’s the not the size of the prize it’s the motion of the ocean?!

4) More of you are trying to bone your coworkers

Hey! Keep your pen out of the company ink for the hundredth time! Even though apparently you’re all still failing at it, the survey shows that this year 52% of you would try and sleep with a coworker if the situation arose, compared to only 46% last year. Eyes up, gentlemen, she’s your secretary, not your mistress!

5) You’re being more open about your fantasies

While we’re glad you might be keeping that “turned on by 1975 VW bugs” thing a secret, we’re glad that this year, more of you are being open about your fantasies. Compared to last year, when a whole 57% of you said your partners didnt’ know your fantasies, this years 45%: “Yes, but only some of them” and 13% “Yes, all of them” is a good sign that you’re willing to let us in on your dirty little secrets.

Thanks, AskMen, for giving the ladies some insight!

Continuing with the soccer theme -- don't do this. (img @ gamesnet)

I’ve never understood dudes’ affinity for punching each other in the balls. I mean, really, what do you get out of watching your friend writhing in pain, looking like they’re going to throw up all over themselves? You men practically cry watching a TV show where someone hurts their junk, and yet you have no problem viciously attacking a guy you consider to be your ‘bro’. It genuinely blows my mind.

Well, maybe this will finally force you to cut it out: a recent report by MSNBC stated that nearly 8,000 young men were treated for testicular tortion last year, most as a result from your so-called “friendly junk bumps.” However, doctors guess probably far more boys were injured and were just too embarrassed to come forward.

Guess what, brosephs — your little game of hitting each other where it hurts could be severely damaging- although a fairly non-invasive surgery can be used to fix the injury, those who don’t could see a doctor could suffer gangrene and have to have their testicle removed. That’s right: your balls could look like this:

OH GOD NEVERMIND THE PHOTOS ARE TOO TERRIBLE TO POST.

Needless to say…

Stop punching each other in the balls, you guys. It’s like messing with guns:  If you’re not careful, you’ll shoot your eyeball out, except in this case the gun is your friends fist and the eyeball is your… well… ball ball.

However, even reading women’s body language can be tough, so the guys over at Asylum got some help breaking the body cues down.

This first pose, according to the expert, shows that she’s laid back and also “aggressively flirting” with you. Her relaxed pose says she’s comfortable with you, which is a nice way of saying she wants you. Now.

Eesh. You are doing something wrong, dude. Her crossed arms, paired with the lean away from you, shows that she’s not pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ out. Luckily, though, her feet are still pointed at you, so you might still have a chance.

This is another pose, that according to the expert, says she’s down to get down. Her half leaning stance says she’d ready to leave the bar with you, if you’d just get the balls and DO IT.

Her arms are back, giving you access to her chest. What do you THINK this means?

Check out more body language codes that either say “Let’s do this” or “Move along, nothing to see here,” at Asylum!

Forget old 80s VHS tapes with men in Coke-bottle glasses and salmon colored shirts, because this video, made by the Canadian Fortnight Lingerie company, is far and beyond the best CPR instructional video we’ve seen in… well, more than a fortnight, that’s for sure.

It stars two unbelievably hot ladies clad only in bras and panties, giving you the step by step directions on how to properly administer CPR, from “check for danger” (crawl around in your skivvies) to “tilt head back and administer two breaths” (TWO CHICK MAKING OUT), to begin “chest compressions” (THEY’RE FONDLING EACH OTHER OH MY GOD) to “repeat the cycle” (you guessed it: more making out; more fondling).

Had you played this for me at age 14, I think I might still remember how to do CPR, instead thinking it consisted of blowing in someone’s face and then punching them in the sternum.

Parisian designer Rick Owen (Rick Owens? That’s like, the least French name I’ve ever heard) just came up with a fascinating piece of furniture: a 2 ton bed made with alabaster, bronze and marble, called Pavane for a Dead Princess, which sounds exactly like a place that you’d die in your sleep.

It may seem crazy to buy an art piece to sleep on, but trust us, there are benefits!

1. Your friends will never, ever help you move.

2. When bringing a booty call over, you’ll have to be extra careful not to hit her head on the bed frame, because she could literally die.

3. You won’t be able to pay your rent.

4. The floor of your apartment could cave in, plummeting you to your death.

5. Hitting your shin on the side of the bed could result in bone fragments flying all over the room! Festive!

Read more at Asylum

img @ timeinc

Celery is a very versatile vegetable, from being the garnish you ignore in your hot wing basket to “ants on a log” childhood lunch staples. However, recent studies have given guys a new reason to start chomping on that nothing-flavored plant: it’s makes you more attractive to women!

According to the authors of the book Stay Young: Ten Proven Steps to Ultimate Health, celery actually increases the amount of pheromones a man excretes in his sweat. Pheromones, of course are the chemicals that humans decipher as signals to, well, get some booty, so apparently, adding more celery to your diet will basically make women impervious to your sexual advances!

The effects of eating celery are almost immediate, which is great considering our need for immediate gratification, and they don’t stop once you’ve snagged the girl. The authors also say that eating celery will increase your sex drive and create stronger climaxes.

Get to the grocery store quick and “stalk” up on celery today before the word gets out! And don’t make fun on my dumb joke or I’ll be forced to punch you in the head.

Read more at Asylum

On top of the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce, there’s another reason that getting married will ruin your life, and if you’re a guy, it’s glaringly apparent: say goodbye to your bachelor life liberties.

1. Your “Floor-drobe”

img @ zpistole

Women are notorious for trying a million things on before deciding on an outfit, tossing things casually to the floor or bed after deeming them repulsive and unwearable. However, whether it be after we get home for the night, or the next morning, those clothes will go back in the closet for another try-on sesh later. Men, on the other hand, tend to throw everything on the floor immediately from the dryer, and then pick and choose from their floor-drobe what is least wrinkled to wear each day. Guess how many times that’s allowed to happen once you tie the knot: that’s right. Zero times.

2. Pantsless TV time

img @ weirdworm

Just FYI, we know  that on Sundays you move from your bed to the couch  for early morning football games without putting on pants. We also know you run to put on pants right before we get there so you don’t look like a hobo, because there is only one reason a man in pajama pants would be panting. We’re confused and turned off by this practice, but whatever, you’re a bachelor. Once you get married, pantsless TV becomes prohibited.

Also, how come you have time to put your football jersey on but not pants?

3. Shower Beers

img @ webshots

Something about a cold frosty beer mixed with a steamy shower is totally refreshing. I know, cause I’ve done it. However, if you’re bringing a beer into the shower, it has to be a can, and once you get married, crappy canned beer is only allowed during football games and barbeques. Oh, the humanity!

4. Not having food

img @myspaceantics

Why is it that whenever we have the unfortunate task of opening your refrigerator there is only beer and like, mayonnaise in there? You’re going to the store to buy beer anyway, why can’t you just swing through a couple aisles and get food while you’re at it? Whatever. Either way, once you get married, grocery trips are going to include grocery lists, and a woman + grocery list + envelope of coupons = Not fun.

5. Videogames till 5 am

img @ gamepro

We’re in an age when being annoyed with a guy playing video games is like being irritated that the sun is so damn hot. It’s going to happen, there is nothing you can do about it, so you might as well find something good in it. With the sun- get a tan. With a dude- take his credit card to go shopping. Just kidding, that would be illegal.  Anyway- guys- once you get married, your video game privileges are limited to an hour a day or when you can sneak off to a friends house. You’ll feel like your 12 again, and not in a good way.

img @ momlogic

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I recently read somewhere that men are genetically predisposed to be disgusting. Your affinity for farting, your copious back hair, your ability to turn a bathroom into bio-chemical warfare zone, each of these features are part of the reason that you get the cold-shoulder when you oh-so-gracefully rub your genitals against us in the morning.

While we by no means expect you to change all of your guy habits, there are a few that we would LOVE if you kept to a minimum while we’re around. On those days when you’re with your “bros,” have at it, but when in the company of the (much) fairer sex, could you stop being so repulsive?

1. Can you stop farting under the blanket?

Nothing ruins the mood in bed like the sound of a muffled expulsion of gas that we can feel on our legs. Oh wait, I’m sorry, there is something worse: when you giggle like a ten year old boy afterwards. We all understand that farting is hilarious, no one is above this. But when you voluntarily create a dreaded Dutch oven in the same 20 sq. ft that you expect to have sex in, therein lies the problem.

2. Could you stop smelling like a 13 year old boy?

Axe body spray has some of the greatest advertising campaigns of all time- they get a bunch of hot chicks to take an otherwise bedraggled male and turn him into a sex-pot Mr. Suave that attracts all the ladies. However, Axe is actually only age appropriate for males who have not yet reached puberty, or are going through it and need something to mask the pubescent stank in the locker room. Please, pick a grown up cologne, or, if you want to get real crazy- take a shower!

3. Will you please groom yourself?

Luckily for you you weren’t born in Victorian England, and today’s standards for women’s, well, “grooming,” are extremely high. Women go to great lengths to keep their nether-regions up to your standards, and yet you feel it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a “sweater” of sorts around your junk, and then want us to go near it. I don’t know how to type more of this without getting explicit, so I’ll leave it at this: clean up, Curly Sue.

4. Would you mind not discussing your bowel movements in public?

As I stated earlier in the post, your conversations with your friends are none of our concern. You can discuss whatever your creepy heart desires. But if you’d like us to continue to be attracted to you, discussing at length the details and frequency of your bowel movements should never, ever happen. Stop it.

5. Is it unfair to ask you not hock loogies in front of us?

When I was a kid, my dad was the King of Loogies. He’d spit them out the window of the car, or on the sidewalk, or in the sink, but never before making that “productive cough” noise that sounds like your stabbing a possum and vomiting at the same time. He did it because “keeping mucus in your chest is bad for you,” so I always thought it was normal. And then I realized it’s disgusting and should be done in the privacy of your own home/bathroom/cave. Don’t do it in front of us. It’s freaking repulsive.

So, in short, can you just stop being so repulsive?

The beanbag chair has a terrible reputation, considering you usually only find them in peoples’ basements or college dorm rooms or your loser cousin’s living room next to his “end table” that’s actually the box his microwave came in.

However, a visit to Asylum informed us that a new line of bean bags has arrived that may bring the bean bag back to its 1970s height of popularity, and they are called Booty Beanbags. Visiting the site, you’ll notice they use hot chicks as their models and suggestive quips like, “Expecting company? Check out the Chofa for three.” Because I’m sure you, like me, have always wanted to have a threesome on an unwieldy hacky sack that sinks in the middle.

If you’re like we were and are a little suspicious of whether or not a bean bag could get you laid, head on over to the Booty Babes section of the website. These leggy models are seemingly proof that the Booty Beanbag could your must-buy furniture piece of the season.

Go shopping for these Booty Beanbags at their store