Last night I found my self 32 minutes deep into a show about Justin Bieber. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. I was 32 minutes deep into a show about Justin Bieber going head to head in a song and dance competition with Shaquille O’Neall (what? WHAT?). It was at about minute 40, when I was watching Shaq throw Justin into a swimming pool, that I snapped out of my Tuesday night stupor and wondered WTF I WAS WATCHING.

Cue Wikipedia: “Shaq Vs. is an American reality television show produced for ABC by Dick Clark Productions and Media Rights Capital starring American basketball star Shaquille O’Neal. It began airing on August 18, 2009. Shaquille O’Neal claims to be “the greatest athlete” and challenged numerous top athletes in their own sports.”

Apparently, he’s challenged everyone from Oscar De la Hoya to Dale Earnhardt Jr. to Kavya Shivashankar, the most recent National Spelling Bee champion. And now he’s challenged Justin Bieber, whose talent is… um… giving little girls high blood pressure? I don’t know.

It seems like Shaq is starting to run out of ideas, because last night he also challenged Jimmy Kimmel? At… being funny? I think? So I decided to lend Shaq a hand and give him my top 3 picks for his next Shaq Vs episodes.

1) Shaq Vs. Shawn Johnson, Olympic Gymnast

I would imagine he would have to create a floor exercise routine, because there is no way normal female gymnastics equipment could hold his gargantuan stature. He would probably snap a bar like a toothpick and break the beam in half with one jump. However, on the floor, oh boy. I would love to see them create a routine that combined grace, agility, and tumbling, with bowling ball sized biceps. It would be good, clean, American humor.

2) Shaq Vs. Djsterf, Dance Dance Revolution Champion

Hahahaha. I’ll let you envision that yourself.

3) Shaq Vs. Kobe, NBA Basketball Player, (Alleged) Rapist

Being that this was in fact a real feud over both professional and personal differences between two legitimately phenomenal basketball players who played on the same NBA team, this would be the episode that everyone would tune into. Have them square off on the court! Have them square off in the court room! Is Shaq going to start rapping at Kobe? Is Kobe going to (allegedly) sexually assault Shaq? Who knows? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

 

Hey, Dick Clark productions, I’ll take my finder’s fee now.

 

This sign is clearly from the 1980s, and here is how I can tell:

1)“Use”? People don’t use internet porn. Porn doesn’t walk away after you’ve fapped to it and feel dirty and taken advantage of. Porn is using you, if anything. You watch porn. Enjoy porn. Maybe you even experience porn if you’re one of the lucky few who have a 3D television set. Use porn? No way.

2) The creator of this sign was surely unaware of internet porn. Everyone finds their fetish on the internet, and I bet his is some sort of Village People themed orgy. Rule 34, right?

3) Charles Mann is almost 50 years old and is probably no longer a defensive end. The only reason Brett Favre could do it is because he sold his soul back in 1992 for a 2-decade long contract with the NFL because he knew that in 2012 the world was going to end anyway. In fact, I would not be surprised if the end of time came in B. Favre’s last season when his bones finally turn to dust and he becomes a black hole, sucking the stadium and the rest of the universe in with him.

4) Captain John Testrake is dead. RIP, heroic pilot.

5) Oh, also James Irwin is dead. RIP, astronaut-moon-walking dude.

Apple’s next “unprecedented, life-changing, nothing-will-ever-be-the-same oh my god oh my god” product announcement is in two days, you guys, so we better stock up on canned goods and iTunes gift cards because our world is about to be turned upside down. As we know, the most recent Apple creations, the iPad and the iPhone 4, were both met with rave reviews (re: terrible, terrible reviews) so we should expect the next Steve Jobs masterpiece to be just as revolutionary, right?

Right?

Here is the official BCU prediction of Apple’s September Products announcement.

1) iPatch

Either a software fix for the iPhone 4′s proximity problems, or an eye-patch that you can watch movies on. We’re guessing it’s the latter, because a ridiculous thing that no one needs is more likely than an actual solution for an actual problem that actual people are experiencing.

 

 

2) iBeeper

Just like its 1980s inspiration, the iBeeper can only receive phone numbers and “beeper codes”  like 143 (I love you), 911 (emergency), and 55378008 (boobless, hahahaha!). However, this one comes standard with an unchangeable indie band ringtone.

 

 

3) iCycle

The ultimate in hipster necessities, this fixed gear bike comes with over-sized headphones, separate attachments for your iPod, iPhone, iPad, and Macbook, as well as, of course, a cup holder specifically made to hold a PBR tall boy. It also has a solar panel charger that will charge your electronics as you ride and also a USB port (Just kidding! No USB port! That’d be crazy! Hahaha!).

 

 

4) MacBox

Looks like an Xbox and plays like an Xbox, except it costs double and also you can only play against other MacBoxes. Note: I am fully aware that that joke is outdated and overplayed. Shut your mouth, it’s Monday.

5) One of these 5 things that actually kinda sound sort of cool albeit completely unnecessary additions to the already superfluous line of Apple products. Also I’ll take them all, thank you very much.

• New, Facetime-ready iPod Touches

• A 1.7″ touch screen iPod Shuffle

• The feverishly anticipated cloud-enhanced iTunes

• The long-rumored $99 Apple TV

• 99 cent TV show rentals through Apple TV

 

If you need me on Wednesday, I’ll be in a cellar somewhere in Montana rocking back and forth holding my iPhone and crying softly.

 

Thanks to Gizmodo for the only factual part of this post.

Assuming you don’t live in a wifi-less cave somewhere, you’re probably aware that football, the almighty sport of American-icity, the most joyous time of year and the most impeccable display of manhood and athleticism that exists in our fine nation, is almost here. And that means: fantasy football draft parties. And in this time of uncertainty where our oceans are one-fourth oil and people are dying from breakfast diseases, you’ve got to enjoy life the best you can… by throwing the most kick-ass draft party mankind has ever seen. Here are BCU’s top 6 tips to throwing a mind-blowingly unforgettable draft party.

1) Throw it on a Sunday

Once football season starts, Sunday is the new weekend. Friday and Saturday are still cool, I guess, but the real party starts around 10 am on Sunday, when you perfectly synchronize the first beer-can open with the morning kick-off. Having your draft on a Sunday mid-morning is your warm up for the coming 22 weeks of Sunday beer fests. The beer pre-season, if you will.

2) Kick it old school

I know that all fantasy drafts are done online these days, but to get the true excitement of a draft, a gigantic board, Post-Its, and lots of men with clipboards are NECESSITIES. For one hour, drop technology and get back to your man roots, complete with fist shaking, yelling at God for not letting you get your first choice of offensive linemen, and verbally and/or physically abusing your best friend. If you’re a die-hard fan, check out this magnetic draft board from FS Gear, and if you’re saving all your money for beer and food (me), you can make your own with instructions from Guy’sGirl.

3) Induct a lady

Assuming you don’t have any women in your fantasy league (and if you do… well… I’m not sexist, so… have fun with that.), you’ll need to hire one to work the board. If you have a UFC octagon girl on hand, these work best because they are already comfortable being in bikinis around douche bags. If not, get someone’s girlfriend/wife/baby mama to slip on some short shorts, a jersey, and a stop watch, and start the sexual harassment. Just kidding. That’s inappropriate*.

4) COLLECT.

Assuming you don’t have a vagina, you’re putting money on this fantasy league. Also assuming you are a man, you will DEMAND that everyone deposit their money into the draft winnings box upon entrance to the draft party. Trust us when we say we’ve seen too many good men walk away from a flawless season with less than the promised winnings because some douche bag never paid up (blah blah blah medical bills NO ONE CARES). Generally, people who don’t pay up are the same people who stop playing midway through the season. These people are what we like to call “summer soldiers” or “half-assing sh-t stains.”

5) One minute per pick. No more, no less.

Just like seatbelt requirements and laws that you can’t pee into a mail box, even if there is no bathroom around and no one is watching and it didn’t even hurt anyone, there are rules for a reason. And one of those reasons is because people will take for fricken’ EVER to pick if you let them. The one minute limit is necessary, and also awesome, because watching your good for nothing cousin break down under the pressure is hilarious.

6) The post-draft beer/snacks/pizza/party

I’ve found that the best way to ensure you don’t spend an arm and a leg is to make your draft party into a pot-luck, where everyone brings a twelve pack of their favorite beer and an appetizer to share. Then, midway through the draft, order the pizza so it shows up just in time for the post-draft party to begin. Spend the next 8 to 17 hours (depending on your ability to work hungover on Monday) chugging beer, demeaning each other’s picks, and miming the ostensibly homo-erotic things your team is going do to another team throughout the season. Note: any person who brings Wyder’s Pear Cider or Mike’s Hard Lemonade should definitely be kicked squarely in the taint.

Well, that’s about it. Follow our foolproof tips for your draft party, and it will undoubtedly be the best day of the fantasy season. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

 

* Totally appropriate

A few weeks ago we did a piece on the ancient Kama Sutra texts, which provided many sexual positions that are still widely er… celebrated… today. I realized that it seems like there hasn’t been a decent sex book released in like, thousands of years. And then BOOM, out come two new hilarious “informational” books about sex: Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal (Flight of the Conchords) and her real life beau Rich Blomquist, and Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk, by ‘The Association for the Betterment of Sex’, which includes writers from The Daily Show, The Onion, and The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien. Basically the two funniest books to come out about sex since The Silence of the Lambs. That was a comedic sex book, right? I’m pretty sure it was.

Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk guides readers on a tour of their bodies, using hilarious info-graphics and charts to explain places to masturbate without being caught and how to describe a clitoris to the police. All in all, hilarious. And Sexy Book of Sexy Sex? Well, don’t let Miss Schaal’s cutesy face and high pitched voice fool you: this book explores every aspect of sex that many other authors stray from, including a portion of the book dedicated to the Taint, because when I think about things that are missing in contemporary American non-fiction, my number one is definitely the area between a dudes balls and butthole. Definitely.

Click on the covers above to buy the books from Amazon!