What concerns me most about this video isn’t that they have clearly greased the floor of a children’s arcade, or that this kid is one wrong move away from flipping that thing and shattering his skull, or the strangely depressing Metric song in the background. It’s the fact that there are several people that walk in and out of the background of this video and NOT ONE OF THEM STOPS TO WATCH THIS BAD ASS. Which leads me to believe that Cancun, Mexico is just crawling with wheelchair-drifting kids with palsy, which leads me to believe that I need to go to Cancun. Now.

Source

Sure, this might not be to the caliber of a man climbing out of an airplane and hanging on to the wing while it rolls and then sky diving from it, but it’s definitely a close second, right? No? Ugh, I can’t even tell anymore. My impressive sensors are now completely out of whack.

I’m glad that we were able to scrape up one last “no thank you” daredevil video of the year. They popped up everywhere in 2011, from the Human Slingshot to the Aqualoop, those crazy Frenchies and OH YEAH that OTHER SLINGSHOT, and each one left my heart and stomach in a pile of vomit in my lap.

This last stunt of the year is a different kind of crazy, the kind that plunges down the French Alps looking like some kind of mechanical Cloverfield monster on crack. Check out the video, and make sure you hold your eyes open till the part where you see his gnarly bloody nose. SICK (in more ways that one).

Never fear, because the maker of Truck Nutz, Harry Balz Novelties, has seen the gap in the market and has come to save the day with a new invention: Car Thongs. The frilly size 200 panties fit snugly over the back of most vehicles, and in my opinion, are the perfect way to tell passing cars that you are both classy, sensual, and feminine.

Or, possibly, that you are a completely psychotic attention whore that will fake a suicide attempt if a guy tries to break up with you. One or the other.

Via Jalopnik

Talk about depressing. Jalopnik has reported that a 14 car pile up has occurred in Japan, and while no people were injured, 14 luxury supercars were destroyed in what could be called the most depressing non-fatal car accident of the past century. According to the car-lovers blog, the maimed vehicles included “eight Ferraris, three Mercedes, a Lamborghini, a Skyline, and a Prius that was in the right place at the wrong time.”

The reason behind the crash is undecided, although witnesses claim that the cars were speeding (obviously, what were they gonna do, the speed limit? HA.), the roads may have been slick, and they were driving in pairs on a two lane road with little to no shoulder. All the ingredients for a crash of epic proportions, we’d say.

Head over to Jalopnik for more photos of the carnage.

I Believe I can Fly ( flight of the frenchies). Trailer from sebastien montaz-rosset on Vimeo.

NO. NO NO NO NO NO A MILLION TIMES NO.

My question is, what do you do when you’re too old to tightrope to the middle of a canyon and hurl yourself into the abyss? Can you ever sit on your couch watching French soap operas and be happy? Or eat oatmeal in your kitchen? Or is your adrenaline level SO JACKED that you have to keep it above a certain level or else you’ll die, ALA Crank? I can’t picture these guys ever being happy with normal lives. Maybe they just go out with one final jump off a slackline and embrace their death by slamming into a wall of rock because the idea of having a microwaved dinner in from of a TV would kill them just as fast.

Either way, NO NO NO NO NO, A MILLION TIMES NO.

Just last week, IndyCar fans were shocked by the death of driver Dan Wheldon when a massive 15-car pileup during a race proved too damaging and killed the young star. Now, just 8 days later, we see another tragic death in racing – and this time it’s motorcyclist Marco Simoncelli.

At the MotoGP in Malaysia yesterday, 24-year-old Simoncelli slid from his bike during a turn and was hit by two other riders early in the race, in full view of his mother, father, and young girlfriend. According to the Daily Mail, he was taken by ambulance to a hospital nearby, but his injuries were two severe to save him.

From Simoncelli’s fellow Honda rider, Dani Pedrosa:

‘I’ve been with his father and all we could do was to hug, nothing else matters.

‘Everybody in the paddock remains in shock. Many times we ourselves forget how dangerous this sport can be and when you lose people on the way nothing has any meaning. It’s clear that we all do what we like, what we love, but on days like today nothing matters.’

With the recent death of Dan Wheldon and now this tragic accident, it’s hard not to wonder if sports like this are just plain too dangerous to continue. We’re sure that matters of safety will be considered after this horrific pair of deaths.

RIP Marco Simoncelli. See more images of the moment of the crash at TheDailyMail.

I know that sometimes I probably come off sounding like a insanely phobic, slightly unhinged maniac. Yes, maybe I’m terrified of scary movies and spiders and crowds and big waterslides, but even I, Queen of Careful, think that this human slingshot looks pretty damn awesome.

Sure, that bungee cord could snap and cause the person to fly at 60 miles an hour into the surrounding forest of trees, breaking their femurs and causing them to have months of unbearable pain and the need for physical therapy and boatloads of medical bills but still, it looks really -

aw, who am I kidding. NEVER. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

via TheHuffingtonPost

Unfortunately, two-time Indy winner Dan Wheldon, the risks proved too much during an IndyCar race in Las Vegas yesterday. According to The Huffington Post, a horrific 15 car crash occurred just a few laps into the race, causing fires, flipped cars, and airborne vehicles. Wheldon’s car flew into the catch fence and burst into flames, and two hours after the accident, the British driver was reported dead. He leaves behind a wife and two children.

Check out the video below, and remember people, DON’T USE YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE DRIVING.

Story via TheHuffingtonPost

Next up in our series of rides-that-might-not-kill-you-but-will-definitely-render-you-paralyzed, we have The Human Slingshot, a homemade set up in Paradise, Utah in a lake OR SHOULD I SAY MINIATURE 150 ft POND. According to the cameraman of this video*, three people passed out upon impact, so “don’t try this at home.” Oh, DARN. You mean I can’t tie a bungee cord to an F-150 and fling teenagers 130 feet into a shallow pool of water in the middle of a desert away from any sort of medical personnel? WHAT A DRAG.

To be fair, the actual slip-n-slide does look pretty fun:

* – this video is a bit… much, wouldn’t you say? I mean the giggly blonde 15-year-old girls pouring water on each other and blowing kisses to the camera, and the rambunctious teen boys “partying” super hard, and the shaky camera and the THREE AND A HALF MINUTES OF THE SAME THING? Give it a break, kid.