You know how sometimes you’re like, “having to walk myself through Wal Mart all the time is so hard!” and “all this regular breathing and blood pumping is a real drag!” because you’re a generally fit person who isn’t 500 pounds and can fit in most booths at restaurants? Well, your troubles are over today, buddy, because Denny’s has come out with a delicious looking treat that will guarantee to raise your health insurance premiums as well as your jean size!

It’s called the Fried Cheese Sandwich, and although it looks like a cross section fossil excavation in the earth’s crust, it’s actually just a bunch of mozzarella sticks shoved into a grilled cheese sandwich on sourdough with a side of crinkle fries, because that is something that we’ve all been asking for!

“Boy, the only thing this sandwich full of cheese could use to make it better would be some MORE CHEESE. And actually, if that cheese could be FRIED, this thing would be perfect. Get on that, Denny’s.”

With San Diego’s weather finally returning to its normal August blazing inferno of death heat (85 degrees), I have started to notice that beers aren’t staying as cold as they did a couple weeks ago, when the wind and sleet was colder than Siberian temperatures (65 degrees, partly cloudy). Backyard BBQs and house party aftermaths are littered with abandoned soldiers, beers with too much in them to put them in the recycling, not enough in them to consider stomaching someone else’s backwash.

Whatever is there to do, I asked myself. How can I possibly manage to keep our beers cold? This question haunted me the last few days, costing me sleep and permeating every thought until I came across this today, after which I screamed and squealed and rejoiced and the world was well again. I give you:

THE BEERSICLE.

Revealed yesterday at Diablo Royal Este in New York City, the “Hopsicle Experience” is guaranteed to make waves in the libation community across America during these hot months. The beer-popsicle looks like your standard Tecate, except at Diablo, they “inject the beer with simple syrup and lime juice, jam a wooden stick into the hole of the can and then put it in the freezer. For four days.” The beer then becomes a grown-up version of the Push-Pop, minus the Flintstone characters, add the bad decisions.

You know how sometimes, the sky looks just a bit bluer? Today is one of those days.

*Note: the creators also give you the option of adding a dash of tequila, which could be either the best or worst decision of your life.

If someone had told me a few years ago that my favorite dessert in the year 2010 would no longer be chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, I’d have slapped them across their dirty face. And yet, here I am in the year 2010 admitting that my new favorite dessert is the unexplainable, irresistible Guinness Float. If you have yet to try the taste-bud glorifying decadence that is a Guinness float, I demand that you get up from your computer, buy the necessary ingredients, and do so NOW. DO IT. Why are you still sitting there? GO. NOW.

Anyway, when a group of lady-friends and I decided to have a movie and dessert night,  I decided to see if there was a more “lady-friendly” beer choice for my potluck offering of beer float-aliciousness. A few minutes into my search  I somehow stumbled across BrewDog’s “The End Of History” beer: 55% alcohol by volume, sold for pocket change ($765 a bottle), on and also stored in a bottle made of a hollowed out squirrel carcass. Because nothing says delicious like roadkill, right?

I wonder how the ladies will feel when I start pouring their libations out of a rodent’s intestines. Hmm…

In “America is a country of fatties” news, Carl’s Jr. Has come up with a medical phenomenon: a heart-attack inducing sandwich! It’s called the Footlong Cheeseburger, and the name says it all: it’s essentially a 12 inch sub sandwich except subtract the good for you turkey or chicken and add group up beef and cheddar and ketchup and mayo.

I suppose this is a good thing — if you’re really trying to off yourself and want an easy (and probably delicious!) way out, cram one of these into your gullet every day for a week and I’m sure you’ll be on the road to Cardia-Arrestville! Bon voyage!

I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m in the kitchen making some grub, all I can think is how funny it would be to stick together random food items so that they look like people and then make said people do the nasty and then take pictures and turn it into a .gif file. Maybe that’s just me.

via buzzfeed

Thanks, whoever did this really creepy thing.