Apple’s next “unprecedented, life-changing, nothing-will-ever-be-the-same oh my god oh my god” product announcement is in two days, you guys, so we better stock up on canned goods and iTunes gift cards because our world is about to be turned upside down. As we know, the most recent Apple creations, the iPad and the iPhone 4, were both met with rave reviews (re: terrible, terrible reviews) so we should expect the next Steve Jobs masterpiece to be just as revolutionary, right?

Right?

Here is the official BCU prediction of Apple’s September Products announcement.

1) iPatch

Either a software fix for the iPhone 4′s proximity problems, or an eye-patch that you can watch movies on. We’re guessing it’s the latter, because a ridiculous thing that no one needs is more likely than an actual solution for an actual problem that actual people are experiencing.

 

 

2) iBeeper

Just like its 1980s inspiration, the iBeeper can only receive phone numbers and “beeper codes”  like 143 (I love you), 911 (emergency), and 55378008 (boobless, hahahaha!). However, this one comes standard with an unchangeable indie band ringtone.

 

 

3) iCycle

The ultimate in hipster necessities, this fixed gear bike comes with over-sized headphones, separate attachments for your iPod, iPhone, iPad, and Macbook, as well as, of course, a cup holder specifically made to hold a PBR tall boy. It also has a solar panel charger that will charge your electronics as you ride and also a USB port (Just kidding! No USB port! That’d be crazy! Hahaha!).

 

 

4) MacBox

Looks like an Xbox and plays like an Xbox, except it costs double and also you can only play against other MacBoxes. Note: I am fully aware that that joke is outdated and overplayed. Shut your mouth, it’s Monday.

5) One of these 5 things that actually kinda sound sort of cool albeit completely unnecessary additions to the already superfluous line of Apple products. Also I’ll take them all, thank you very much.

• New, Facetime-ready iPod Touches

• A 1.7″ touch screen iPod Shuffle

• The feverishly anticipated cloud-enhanced iTunes

• The long-rumored $99 Apple TV

• 99 cent TV show rentals through Apple TV

 

If you need me on Wednesday, I’ll be in a cellar somewhere in Montana rocking back and forth holding my iPhone and crying softly.

 

Thanks to Gizmodo for the only factual part of this post.

I’ve never really understood Cosmo’s approach to sex advice. Cracked once featured an article showing some of the weird, creepy, and sometimes horrifically dangerous tips the ladies mag dishes out, including (but not limited to ) biting your dude’s SCROTUM, to give you an idea. So when Gizmodo recently revealed that Cosmo had created a “sex position of the day” app, we were sure it would produce some great laughs, and probabaly a few cringes from the guys.

As you can see above, the app gives you the position name(Passion Pretzel? Are you sh—ing me?) a description of how to perform the ridiculous position (mmm, nothing is as sexy as a woman awkwardly wedging her body against a bathtub) as well as a “carnal challenge” rating, with one to five flames to let you know the likelihood that you’ll fail at even getting into the position and end up sadly eating a bag of Fritos naked on the bathroom floor.

On the app rating scale, we give the Cosmo sex position of the day 2 stars — that extra one comes from the laughs.

FACTS:

1) It’s a bag.

2) It is black.

3) It’s a bag.

4) People are seriously losing their MINDS over it.

I don’t know about your state, but California recently passed a law banning cell phone use while driving. WTF, right? I am pretty positive that it’s within our inalienable rights to drive with one hand holding a Slurpee and the other one texting Janice that you “totes can’t wait 4 the party l8er” while you steer with your knee. I really don’t see the problem there. Next thing you know they’ll be telling us we can’t can’t be on our laptops browsing Facebook while stuck in traffic.

Needless to say, someone capitalized on our desire to multi-task while operating a two-ton vehicle: the Samsung app store now offers “Road SMS,” which uses the camera to essentially make your cellphone invisible, allowing you to keep your phone glued to your face 24 hours a day. Even though the Android compatible app is supposedly made on for “walking,” we’re pretty sure we’ll be hearing of some car accidents caused by someone using their cellphone screen during rush hour. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go download it now.

Read more at the Time’s newsfeed.

Reuters is a very highly respected news organization from which we get most of our to-the-minute news on environmental issues and political scandals and also alligators wearing sandals sometimes.

That being said, WTF, REUTERS.

We’d like to believe that whoever came up with that DAZZLING headline is just the greatest undercover comedian of all time who even thought to chose a verb with the word “SUCK” in it, but let’s be honest, they’ve never shown signs of that being the case.

What do you think?