Lost Actor Marries 16-Year-Old Girl

Sometimes grandparents say things like “this country is going to sh*t,” and you’re like, “Okay, calm down, Gramps, you haven’t even seen the most recent season of Teen Mom. Save your basement-scented breath.” Those predictions of the end times are just old people being old people. However, when it comes to things being a sign on the impending apocalypse, though, I think that this little news tidbit might actually be one of them.

According to Celebuzz, 51-year-old Lost actor Doug Hutchinson is marrying an aspiring country singer named Courtney Stodden, who is the totally acceptable age of 16. People are shocked, obviously, because an old man is marrying a child, but the weirdest part of the story isn’t that an OLD MAN is MARRYING a CHILD, it’s that this whole thing might be fake? I don’t know? Mainly, people are questioning Miss Stodden’s age, because honestly she looks like a 35-year-old stripper with anterograde amnesia, but also she happens to be signed to Hutchinson’s production company, Dark Water. Some sources are speculating that it is all a publicity stunt.

WHICH IS JUST, LIKE, WHAT?!?!?!? Why is this a thing?! I understand that in this post-Jersey Shore world, genuine performers who take pride in their work have a harder time getting publicity than so-called “reality stars” who show up on Fox News just for pooping in fountains or whatever. I get it – it’s tough to get noticed these days. Even Joaquin Phoenix had to embark on a fake rap stint to revive his career. Perhaps this woman (girl?), who is trying to make it big in a competitive field, needed something to jump start her career, and figured pretending to be a teenager and marrying the founder of her production company was just the shocking move to get her noticed. And SADLY, it worked.

This is all crazy business and it is creepy and confusing and is definitely a #firstworldproblem, but if there is one thing we can take from this whole vomit-worthy debacle, it’s this:

MARRIAGE IS DEAD.