Remember a couple weeks ago when Snooki (UGH already) was arrested on the beach for looking, sounding, and smelling like the walking Black Plague of Jaeger Shots? According to the AP,

Prosecutors said at a hearing Wednesday that they will add the charge of annoying people on a beach to the two others the MTV reality show cast member faces after her arrest last month on the beach in Seaside Heights, where the show is based.

I have never in my life heard of someone being charged with annoying people, but if there is one person in the world who deserves it it would absolutely be that little viscous lump of hair dye and self-tanner. Also, I think it gives us all the right to make citizen’s arrests for the charge.

“Excuse me, guy in the Affliction shirt who is talking loudly about that girl you banged last night? You’re under arrest for being annoying. Your sentence? Public shaming. Now let’s see your penis.”

I am of the school of thought that television as an art medium is legitimate, important, and under appreciated. My DVR’s recordings range from nature shows (Life!), to Thursday night comedies (30 Rock!), to medical dramas (shut up). However, the one strain of television diseases that I refuse to catch is the incurable infection of the reality show. I can not deny that I am guilty of sharing depressing, post-breakup days with a tub of Ben&Jerry’s and an 8 hour Laguna Beach marathon, but that was in high school. It’s time to man up and bring back the era of creativity in television.

Ha, ha, I know. It’s never going to happen. But can we at least shoot the following 5 women/men/entire series into space and make them mine moon rocks forever? (actually, never mind. The moon deserves better.)

1. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Look at her. She looks like a troll. A chubby, acrylic-nailed troll. I want to stretch her body like Play-Doh into some creature that isn’t wider than it is tall. The lack of sexuality that this “sex symbol” exudes is so utterly dismal, MTV should be ashamed of putting her on television.

2. Spencer and Heidi

There is no explanation needed for why these two should fall into a well, but I shall share two: she is made of enough plastic to be considered a fire hazard, and his face is fairly reminiscent of an Ewok on meth amphetamines.

3. The Bachelor in its entirety

img @ realitywanted

“Ha! Ha! Let’s all pretend to fall in love with this guy who has less personality than a paper bag of rocks! And no, we’re not struggling LA actresses who will do anything short of pornography to become famous! Why would you think that?! Ha! Ha!”

4. Jon and Kate

A tribute to the world’s worst parents, Jon and Kate Plus 8 was such a depressing success that it actually made two horrific parents split, and thus become even more horrific-er. One is now marrying a 23 year old, and the other is away from her children on a “celebrity” dance show (Which should also be destroyed and sent to space).

5. Tyra Banks

img @ collegecandy

Whether its on her talk show where she talks about women with multiple vaginas, or on America’s Next Top Model (a fairly decent show if she weren’t there ruining it), Tyra Banks is a great example of women who somehow disprove Galileo’s discovery that the Earth revolves around the sun. The way she slips anecdotes about her life into every minute of every episode, the only conclusion we can draw is that the Sun is now revolving around Tyra.

1. The Depressed Shot-

I know, I know. Your life is hard. What with your trust fund, huge condo, and new Macbook (which is taking this photo), it’s a wonder you don’t just off yourself. Take the black and white setting off, move those tentacles you call bangs out of the way, and smile, Sylvia Plath.

2. The Headshot-

Whoa, I’m sorry, I thought I was on Facebook. Obviously I accidently stumbled upon your agency’s promotional site. Otherwise there would be no excuse for your freckles being airbrushed, that fake wind thing, and your demonic eyes staring into my soul.

3. Your Baby-

Children are a miracle, sure, but what’s really a miracle is how you somehow replaced every profile picture with that of a giggling infant. Either some time-space continuum thing just happened and you are now 6 months old, or you’re just being obnoxious. I shall guess the latter.

4. Your Kissing Shot-

Your multiple “I’m in love” status updates weren’t enough, huh? You had to post that picture of you and Mr. This Week swapping spit and who-knows-what-else as your main picture? Well thanks, I just vomited on my keyboard.

5. Your Group Shot-

I am on your page to stalk YOU, okay? Having to play Where’s Waldo with your 85 frat brothers isn’t the goal…Oh wait, is that you? The forehead down there holding the handle of vodka? Well. I guess we’re done then.

images and story at guyism.com