Apple’s next “unprecedented, life-changing, nothing-will-ever-be-the-same oh my god oh my god” product announcement is in two days, you guys, so we better stock up on canned goods and iTunes gift cards because our world is about to be turned upside down. As we know, the most recent Apple creations, the iPad and the iPhone 4, were both met with rave reviews (re: terrible, terrible reviews) so we should expect the next Steve Jobs masterpiece to be just as revolutionary, right?

Right?

Here is the official BCU prediction of Apple’s September Products announcement.

1) iPatch

Either a software fix for the iPhone 4′s proximity problems, or an eye-patch that you can watch movies on. We’re guessing it’s the latter, because a ridiculous thing that no one needs is more likely than an actual solution for an actual problem that actual people are experiencing.

 

 

2) iBeeper

Just like its 1980s inspiration, the iBeeper can only receive phone numbers and “beeper codes”  like 143 (I love you), 911 (emergency), and 55378008 (boobless, hahahaha!). However, this one comes standard with an unchangeable indie band ringtone.

 

 

3) iCycle

The ultimate in hipster necessities, this fixed gear bike comes with over-sized headphones, separate attachments for your iPod, iPhone, iPad, and Macbook, as well as, of course, a cup holder specifically made to hold a PBR tall boy. It also has a solar panel charger that will charge your electronics as you ride and also a USB port (Just kidding! No USB port! That’d be crazy! Hahaha!).

 

 

4) MacBox

Looks like an Xbox and plays like an Xbox, except it costs double and also you can only play against other MacBoxes. Note: I am fully aware that that joke is outdated and overplayed. Shut your mouth, it’s Monday.

5) One of these 5 things that actually kinda sound sort of cool albeit completely unnecessary additions to the already superfluous line of Apple products. Also I’ll take them all, thank you very much.

• New, Facetime-ready iPod Touches

• A 1.7″ touch screen iPod Shuffle

• The feverishly anticipated cloud-enhanced iTunes

• The long-rumored $99 Apple TV

• 99 cent TV show rentals through Apple TV

 

If you need me on Wednesday, I’ll be in a cellar somewhere in Montana rocking back and forth holding my iPhone and crying softly.

 

Thanks to Gizmodo for the only factual part of this post.

I’ve never really understood Cosmo’s approach to sex advice. Cracked once featured an article showing some of the weird, creepy, and sometimes horrifically dangerous tips the ladies mag dishes out, including (but not limited to ) biting your dude’s SCROTUM, to give you an idea. So when Gizmodo recently revealed that Cosmo had created a “sex position of the day” app, we were sure it would produce some great laughs, and probabaly a few cringes from the guys.

As you can see above, the app gives you the position name(Passion Pretzel? Are you sh—ing me?) a description of how to perform the ridiculous position (mmm, nothing is as sexy as a woman awkwardly wedging her body against a bathtub) as well as a “carnal challenge” rating, with one to five flames to let you know the likelihood that you’ll fail at even getting into the position and end up sadly eating a bag of Fritos naked on the bathroom floor.

On the app rating scale, we give the Cosmo sex position of the day 2 stars — that extra one comes from the laughs.

FACTS:

1) It’s a bag.

2) It is black.

3) It’s a bag.

4) People are seriously losing their MINDS over it.

Oh shhhh, I know, sure, there are tons of tech geeks out there who are getting their panties all in a bunch over the newest iPhone. We’ve read that many of the past failures of the iPhone have been upgraded: the call quality and antenna are better, the camera is great, and the screen looks awesome. However, most tech analysts are saying it’s not the best investment of the year, and here are a couple reasons why:

1) Upgrading signs you up for another full 2 years of AT&T’s crappy, overpriced service.

Assuming you’d rather not ditch your 2 year old iPhone and pay up to $500 or even $600 for an upgrade, you’re gonna have to sign up for another two years of service with AT&T, who has spotty coverage at times, despite whatever Luke Wilson tries to tell you.

2) It’s just an iPhone

If we’ve noticed anything about Apple, it’s that they are the King of small, unnecessary upgrades. Like, woo hoo! You made the iPod nano…. more… nano-ey! This is no exception: aside from a few minor changes, the iPhone 4 isn’t a mind-blowingly awesome upgrade.

3) Android is right on Apple’s tail

Actually, Gizmodo’s article listed both Android and the new Windows phone as legitimate competitors to the iPhone, but I hate hate HATE those new “Kin” commercials so I am going to spitefully leave Windows off the list. However, from friends with Droids — I can tell you that I’ve seen them struggle with their phones far less than my friends who swear by their iPhones. Also — the Droid works with Verizon who we all know has a big red map of coverage. Or something.

A note to Mr. Steve Jobs –

We over here at the BCU offices don’t condone illegal activity, which means, of course, that we definitely don’t indulge in the celebrations that some do on this 20th of April. However, if we were to, we’d probably utilize the new KLUCKR app for the iPhone.

The KLUCKR app is a program that helps you find the best chicken wings in your area, based on Heat, Variety, Quantity, Value, and Atmosphere. It’s free, and you can even add to it if you feel they’re missing a hot spot.

Imagine you wake up with a raging hangover and a craving for a dozen of the best super spicy wings at a really cheap price in San Diego. KLUCKR sends you to Bubs Dive Bar in Pacific Beach. Based on my experience there, this is pretty damn accurate. Check out the KLUCKR app today, but not if you have a booty call set up for later!