If you have been living in a cave under a rock in the Afghanistan desert and are also deaf and blind and don’t have Twitter, you may not have heard about the release of the iPhone 4S, Apple’s most recent smart phone that, of course, is both impressing and DEPRESSING Apple fan-boys around the world. Its most talked about feature is Siri, a virtual personal assistant of sorts that goes far beyond the normal voice-recognition of phones prior to it. Siri can answer about any question you lob at her, from “find me pizza” to “remind me to call my dad on his birthday.”

However, one question that hasn’t been asked is “Is Siri Racist?” but don’t worry, this Asian dude has the answer.

(Hint: the answer is no, but apparently I am, because I think this is hi-laaaaar-ious)

That being said, the world lost an incredible man yesterday with the passing of Apple’s former CEO, Steve Jobs. His innate talent and born genius are pretty incomparable, and the way he rescued Apple from certain bankruptcy to the most powerful technological company in the world is one for the record books.

We are particularly struck by the fact that Jobs remained on as head of the company until August, when he finally resigned, with words that now eerily suggest he knew his time was nearly up:

“I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple’s CEO, I would be the first to let you know,” Mr. Jobs said in his resignation letter. “Unfortunately, that day has come.”

From our tiny company to a man who showed that with a great vision, anything is possible, we tip our hats. Rest in Peace, Steve. You did good.

Have the Nobel Prizes happened yet? I wouldn’t know because obviously there is a more important award show coming up that demands FAR more attention than a stupid nerd party full of nerd awards. They probably don’t even have a pre-Nobel Prize “Fashion Police” show or anything, which completely de-legitimizes the entire thing.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, if the Nobel Prizes are coming soon, they should go ahead and stop the nominations because I already found the winner. Heather Kelley, Damien DiFede and Amanda Williams are the creators of the “Body Heat” app, which is an iPhone application that connects to the OhMiBod’s “personal massager” (sure, “massager”), “delivering infinite vibration intensity and pattern control to anyone who uses it.” Essentially, it’s the sex toy of our generation, and I believe these guys deserve some recognition for it, damnit!

Luckily, the people at OhMiBod felt the same way, and when the product was displayed at the Hong Kong Arse Elektronika show, they basically bought it on the spot. Check out the demo below and TRY and tell me this isn’t the best advancement of the year.

And don’t you dare bring up that guy that got cured of AIDS cause that doesn’t count.

Well, there goes my hypothesis. I had assumed for the past few years that Steve Jobs himself had been spreading the rumors about finalizing a contract with Verizon as a joke. Like maybe he thought it was just hilarious to watch Verizon users get mad cases of blue balls every three months. Or perhaps he had developed some sort of creepy sexual fetish for watching people squirm in their chairs, buying iPhone cases and eagerly monitoring any news blip that would suggest they might FINALLY be able to use precious, precious FaceTime without having to become a lowly AT&T user.

But, alas, I am wrong. Apparently Verizon really has closed a deal with Apple and will finally be selling iPhones as soon as February 4th. I imagine there are tons of people who finally broke down and bought Androids last week that are screaming like Luke Skywalker when he found out who his pops was. Via BuzzFeed:

The deets:

The Verizon iPhone 4 will support all of the same features that AT&T customers are used to, like FaceTime and the Retina Display. There will also be a Wi-Fi hotspot feature allowing up to 5 devices to share a connection.

The price:

32 GB Devices – $299.99 16 GB Devices – $199.99

The network:

While AT&T customers have become all too familiar with the congested 3G network and the problems with the iPhone 4′s antennae, The Verizon iPhone is Optimized to work on CDMA EVDO network.

The downside:

Although Verizon’s CDMA network doesn’t currently suffer from the same sort of congestion issues as AT&T’s 3G network, receiving a call will cause data transmission to drop.

And once again, like with cable companies, politicians, and frozen pizza brands, we’re faced with the lesser or two evils. What will YOU choose?

Someone’s getting fired today.

In honor of the unfairly sexy Adriana Lima and the premiere of Victoria’s Secret’s 2 million dollar “Bombshell Fantasy” bra, BCU has decided to share with you the 5 things you could do with the same amount of money. Because not only do we love insanely unnecessary displays of wealth, but also making you feel bad for secretly coveting them.

1. Buy a Bugatti Veyron

For the same amount of money that you might spend on an item of clothing that is almost never seen, you could be driving around in one of the sleekest, hottest sports cars to have ever been created. With 16 cylinders and four wheel drive, I guarantee that you’ll look way more like a Bombshell Fantasy in this car than you ever will in that bra.

2. Get 1500 of the new Apple MacBook Airs

Yesterday’s apple keynote introduced the new MacBook Air – about as close as Apple is ever going to come to a netbook, and, at $1299 (for the slower version) is still the same price as any full size PC laptop on the market. But it is an ALL HAIL STEVE JOBS Apple product, after all.

3. Spend 66 nights at the most expensive hotel suite in the country

The Ty Warner suite at the Four Seasons hotel in New York City holds the current record for the most expensive hotel room in the nation, and yet, for the price of this UNDERGARMENT, you could stay there for over two months. I don’t care how many jewels you have embroidered into your tatas, nothin’s gonna get you laid like stating, “oh, where am I staying? Just the $30,000 a night Ty Warner suite. NBD.”

4. Send 1100 children in Africa to school for 12 years

Most organizations estimate a year of school for a child in Africa, including uniforms, books, and medication, at about $200. So with the amount of money that this ONE SINGLE PIECE OF LINGERIE costs, you could literally change the lives of over a thousand children. But… y’know. The bra is really pretty.

5. Keep it

BECAUSE ITS A $2 MILLION BRA AND THAT’S RIDICULOUS.

Right?

Here is the official BCU prediction of Apple’s September Products announcement.

1) iPatch

Either a software fix for the iPhone 4′s proximity problems, or an eye-patch that you can watch movies on. We’re guessing it’s the latter, because a ridiculous thing that no one needs is more likely than an actual solution for an actual problem that actual people are experiencing.

img @ eyepatchstore

2) iBeeper

Just like its 1980s inspiration, the iBeeper can only receive phone numbers and “beeper codes”  like 143 (I love you), 911 (emergency), and 55378008 (boobless, hahahaha!). However, this one comes standard with an unchangeable indie band ringtone.

img @ jwatch.org

3) iCycle

The ultimate in hipster necessities, this fixed gear bike comes with over-sized headphones, separate attachments for your iPod, iPhone, iPad, and Macbook, as well as, of course, a cup holder specifically made to hold a PBR tall boy. It also has a solar panel charger that will charge your electronics as you ride and also a USB port (Just kidding! No USB port! That’d be crazy! Hahaha!).

img @ biketype

4) MacBox

Looks like an Xbox and plays like an Xbox, except it costs double and also you can only play against other MacBoxes. Note: I am fully aware that that joke is outdated and overplayed. Shut your mouth, it’s Monday.

5) One of these 5 things that actually kinda sound sort of cool albeit completely unnecessary additions to the already superfluous line of Apple products. Also I’ll take them all, thank you very much.

• New, Facetime-ready iPod Touches

• A 1.7″ touch screen iPod Shuffle

• The feverishly anticipated cloud-enhanced iTunes

• The long-rumored $99 Apple TV

• 99 cent TV show rentals through Apple TV

If you need me on Wednesday, I’ll be in a cellar somewhere in Montana rocking back and forth holding my iPhone and crying softly.

Thanks to Gizmodo for the only factual part of this post.

I’ve never really understood Cosmo’s approach to sex advice. Cracked once featured an article showing some of the weird, creepy, and sometimes horrifically dangerous tips the ladies mag dishes out, including (but not limited to ) biting your dude’s SCROTUM, to give you an idea. So when Gizmodo recently revealed that Cosmo had created a “sex position of the day” app, we were sure it would produce some great laughs, and probabaly a few cringes from the guys.

As you can see above, the app gives you the position name(Passion Pretzel? Are you sh—ing me?) a description of how to perform the ridiculous position (mmm, nothing is as sexy as a woman awkwardly wedging her body against a bathtub) as well as a “carnal challenge” rating, with one to five flames to let you know the likelihood that you’ll fail at even getting into the position and end up sadly eating a bag of Fritos naked on the bathroom floor.

On the app rating scale, we give the Cosmo sex position of the day 2 stars — that extra one comes from the laughs.

img @ luxirare

FACTS:

1) It’s a bag.

2) It is black.

3) It’s a bag.

4) People are seriously losing their MINDS over it.

maybe I'd be into it if it looked like this. img @ venturebeat

Oh shhhh, I know, sure, there are tons of tech geeks out there who are getting their panties all in a bunch over the newest iPhone. We’ve read that many of the past failures of the iPhone have been upgraded: the call quality and antenna are better, the camera is great, and the screen looks awesome. However, most tech analysts are saying it’s not the best investment of the year, and here are a couple reasons why:

1) Upgrading signs you up for another full 2 years of AT&T’s crappy, overpriced service.

Assuming you’d rather not ditch your 2 year old iPhone and pay up to $500 or even $600 for an upgrade, you’re gonna have to sign up for another two years of service with AT&T, who has spotty coverage at times, despite whatever Luke Wilson tries to tell you.

2) It’s just an iPhone

If we’ve noticed anything about Apple, it’s that they are the King of small, unnecessary upgrades. Like, woo hoo! You made the iPod nano…. more… nano-ey! This is no exception: aside from a few minor changes, the iPhone 4 isn’t a mind-blowingly awesome upgrade.

3) Android is right on Apple’s tail

Actually, Gizmodo’s article listed both Android and the new Windows phone as legitimate competitors to the iPhone, but I hate hate HATE those new “Kin” commercials so I am going to spitefully leave Windows off the list. However, from friends with Droids — I can tell you that I’ve seen them struggle with their phones far less than my friends who swear by their iPhones. Also — the Droid works with Verizon who we all know has a big red map of coverage. Or something.

A note to Mr. Steve Jobs –