When a lady walks by and she’s wearing like, I don’t know, thin white pants, or a skin-tight dress, or teeny short shorts, and you’re thinking like, man, she really needs some work down there, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Is it

A) She should probably hit the gym.

B) She should cut back on the doughnuts.

C) She should probably start buying a size larger, or

D) She should definitely get a BOOTY ENHANCEMENT spell cast by a powerful Wiccan Witch. Definitely.

We at BCU tend to either A, B, or C, or maybe a combination of them all. But hey, what do we know*, right? I mean for $8.95, it’s quite a steal! And free shipping?! SIGN ME UP. Just kidding. Don’t do that.

**Actually, we know that this is probably a ridiculous ploy by some woman who smells like cat litter and nag champa and lives in an attic somewhere.

img @ timeinc

Celery is a very versatile vegetable, from being the garnish you ignore in your hot wing basket to “ants on a log” childhood lunch staples. However, recent studies have given guys a new reason to start chomping on that nothing-flavored plant: it’s makes you more attractive to women!

According to the authors of the book Stay Young: Ten Proven Steps to Ultimate Health, celery actually increases the amount of pheromones a man excretes in his sweat. Pheromones, of course are the chemicals that humans decipher as signals to, well, get some booty, so apparently, adding more celery to your diet will basically make women impervious to your sexual advances!

The effects of eating celery are almost immediate, which is great considering our need for immediate gratification, and they don’t stop once you’ve snagged the girl. The authors also say that eating celery will increase your sex drive and create stronger climaxes.

Get to the grocery store quick and “stalk” up on celery today before the word gets out! And don’t make fun on my dumb joke or I’ll be forced to punch you in the head.

Read more at Asylum

The beanbag chair has a terrible reputation, considering you usually only find them in peoples’ basements or college dorm rooms or your loser cousin’s living room next to his “end table” that’s actually the box his microwave came in.

However, a visit to Asylum informed us that a new line of bean bags has arrived that may bring the bean bag back to its 1970s height of popularity, and they are called Booty Beanbags. Visiting the site, you’ll notice they use hot chicks as their models and suggestive quips like, “Expecting company? Check out the Chofa for three.” Because I’m sure you, like me, have always wanted to have a threesome on an unwieldy hacky sack that sinks in the middle.

If you’re like we were and are a little suspicious of whether or not a bean bag could get you laid, head on over to the Booty Babes section of the website. These leggy models are seemingly proof that the Booty Beanbag could your must-buy furniture piece of the season.

Go shopping for these Booty Beanbags at their store

You can always count on gossip site TMZ to catch some golden celebrity moments to over-analyze and assume things about. Exhibit A, above: 300 star Gerard Butler getting a bit cozy with his Bounty Hunter co-star Jennifer Aniston’s booty.

But with a derriere like that, who wouldn’t want a piece?

img @ thefrisky

Excuse me, gentlemen. We need to talk.

Your pick-up skills are getting super rusty. I’ve heard you drop the same lines to the same kinda girl like, 8 times in the last month. It’s getting sad to watch you. Even if you were, at one time, the Knight of Bootopia, in this new decade, your conquering skills are getting a little pathetic. So although it’s February, and the deadline for New Years Resolutions might be two months past, there is no reason not to make some new Booty-gettin’ Resolutions for the rest of 2010. Here are my humble suggestions to help you improve your success:rejection ratio.

1. Clean yourself up, Chubs.

I’m sorry for calling you Chubs. You’re not chubby, you’ve just… been drinking a little too much beer. I get it, we’ve all been there, it’s winter weight, right? But it’s February now, and Summer is coming. Hell, if you live in San Diego, summer is pretty much already here. So get your lazy butt to the gym and maybe, just maybe get a haircut. Looks might not be everything, but they sure are the first thing, and no lady wants to get approached by a dude who looks like Al Bundy. (No offense. I loved Married With Children.)

2. Move away from the ol’ stomping grounds.

Far be it for me to judge those who frequent the same hang outs. I’ve been going to the same bar for so long that I have my own designated puking stall in the ladies restroom. Classy, I know. But still, guys, if you are a single man looking for some fresh lady parts to harass, move away from the dirty Irish pub down the street and venture somewhere new. A cool new wine bar, the coffee shop in a different part of town, maybe a different gym than the one you normally grunt at. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new. Oh and for the love of god put on a collared shirt. You’re not sixteen anymore.

3. Be more openminded.

I’ve been noticing that you always go for the same scrawny blonde chicks everywhere you go. They usually look like they could be hot, if they cut back on the meth and ate a carb for once in their lives. Broaden your horizons, laddie! Walk up and strike up conversation with a girl who you’d normally not approach. Maybe she’s taller than you go for, or has dark hair and mysterious eyes. She’s probably got a different personality too, and that’s exciting considering you’ve all but run out of things to say about the drama of Jersey Shore.

4. Leave your douchey friend at home,

because he is a douche.

5. Stop, Look, and Listen.

Sure it’s a childhood phrase that refers to crossing the street. This is also your new pick up mantra. If you see a sexy little thing you wouldn’t mind taking home, stop! Don’t approach her right away. Check her out from across the room and if you make eye contact, hold it! Let her know it wasn’t an accident that you caught her eye. If you finally approach her, look into her eyes. Don’t be awkward. Don’t be creepy. Don’t be shy. You are a grown up now, doing grown up things, and if I catch you staring at the floor I will slap your face off your face. And the third, most important pick up rule: listen! Listen to what she’s saying. Ask her questions and elaborate on them. Don’t “uh huh” “sure” “mmhmm” her, cause she’s got radar technology for that bull and she knows you’re not listening and you are DEFINITELY not  getting into her low rises tonight.

Buck up, Buster Brown. All hope is not lost. Take the rejection you’ve been experiencing, combine it with my advice, and this year you’ll be racking in the dough (re: booty) more than ever!