Don’t watch that video. Seriously. Don’t. I mean, unless you like watching LEGAL ADULTS sing MILEY CYRUS parody songs about how awesome their COLLEGE is, in which case go for it, but don’t ever talk to me again.

This video in all its immature, poorly-edited glory is being spread around los internetos today to celebrate the university winning the coveted “Biggest Party School” award by the Princeton Review. Pleased: Frat boys at U of G. Not pleased: anyone who works for or has graduated from the school and also some really depressed Penn State kids.

Sidenote: I am very surprised that SDSU didn’t even make the top 10, considering that school makes the entire city east of the 15 reek of booze from Wednesday to Sunday, because Wednesday is the new Friday, obvs.

Oh, America. Always coming up with easier, more awful ways to do things that are already easy and also awful. Hooray! Vodka eyeballing is the newest, hottest fad to hit the college crowd, and it’s exactly what you think it is:

Pouring Vodka Into Your Eyeball!

I mean, I suppose it’s only logical, right? Like, JEEZ, GUYS, I’m getting sooo tired of holding this glass and bringing it to my mouth and UGH don’t get me started on swallowing, it’s SO tough! So instead I think we should start pouring it directly into our eye sockets, because that is an intelligent, logical thing to do with a substance that is essentially poison! Yay!

img @ blogspot

This week is Spring Break for many colleges in California, and the beaches and bars are filled to capacity with buff dudes and tanned, sexy ladies. It’s pretty hard to make a fool of yourself on Spring Break considering everyone around is just as hammered as you, but there are still a few rules that will keep your spring break fun, safe, and memorable (or not).

1. Abide by the dress code

Do NOT wear socks with sandals. DO wear clothes that fit your body. Don’t wear a wife beater (ever), and don’t wear tennis shoes on the beach (unless you’ve got a crazy foot fungus or something. No one wants to see that.) In the warming climate, most people around with be wearing next to nothing, so your blatant fashion faux pas will be totally obvious.

2. Do NOT have sex in the sand

Imagine rubbing your sexual organs with sandpaper. Sounds terrible, right? So why would you put those precious parts near actual sand? And don’t try to MacGuyver a towel barrier, because sand is notorious for finding its way into any minuscule crevice.  And on that note- don’t have sex in a hot tub. There are chemicals in hot tub water that make it very, um… difficult.

3. Don’t forget sunscreen

Seems like a total mom thing to say, but all safety lectures aside, no one wants to see your peeling, stop sign-colored back reminding them of the ever-widening hole in the ozone layer.

4. Don’t get to the blackout stage.

Seriously, drinking to black out sounds like a great idea until you wake up the next morning with a raging headache, nauseas stomach, and no memory of why you have a black eye. The Hangover was a funny movie because it was a movie. Waking up without any knowledge of what you did the last night feels terrible. Everyone knows that.

5. Be Aware

Even though spring break is supposed to be a fun, carefree week of debauchery, you want to get out of that week alive. Don’t accept drinks from strangers (especially you, ladies), don’t stay in any shady accommodations, and keep to the busy areas. The last thing you want is to be on one of those E! True Hollywood Spring Break Disasters episodes.

Now go out there and be a champ and make some memories. You’re only young once!

img @ usatoday

Scantily clad beach bodies, the proverbial keg stand, and the first hints of warm weather; all indisputable indications that Spring Break is here. Everyone is familiar with the usual destinations where throngs of college students and singles flock to party, namely Cancun, South Padre Island, and Panama City. This year, OnlineBootyCall.com has identified the Five Worst Spring Break Destinations to help singles everywhere (especially OBC members) avoid disaster during these festive weeks of mayhem.

5) Blue Ball vs. Climax, Pennsylvania

As you might expect, the city of Blue Ball is located in the Amish region of Pennsylvania, where the ladies prefer bonnets to bikinis and a fiddle over an iPod. But don’t look for relief in Climax, although the city sounds promising, it’s situated far off on the opposite side of the state where your chances of getting there are… about zero.

4) Yakutsk, Russia

The word Yakutsk might as well be the Russian translation for blue balls. Just like its Pennsylvanian counterpart, Yakutsk will give you a bad case of below-the-belt misfortune, but for different reasons: with a record low of -67 degrees Fahrenheit in March, going outside in board shorts will result in more than one blue appendage to complain about.

3) Kabul, Afghanistan

Nothing screams Spring Break like a floor-length, full-body burqa in 112-degree weather — just ask our dedicated men and women in uniform stationed in Kabul. Unless your idea of fun is playing hopscotch across an IED-riddled mine field, you’d do well to get your adrenaline rush elsewhere.

2) San Quentin State Prison

Situated in beautiful northern California, San Quentin might seduce you with its barbed wire fences and sensual doughnut-chomping guards, but don’t be fooled. That sauna you’re wandering into is actually a gas chamber, and as a bonus, you’re sharing a hotel bed with the ghost of Charles Manson. Sleep tight and don’t drop the soap!

1) Haiti

Joining the ranks of such hot spots as Mexico and the Bahamas, Haiti’s got all the Spring Break necessities: gorgeous weather, pristinely desolate beaches, and a complete lack of infrastructure. This is a perfect spot for those who want to get away from all the distractions that come with cell phone service, internet connectivity and running water. We love our Haitian compatriots and because the crisis is far from over, we remind everyone to donate $10 to the victims of the Haiti earthquake by texting HAITI to 90999.

Spring Break is the time of the year when wet t-shirt contests are not only acceptable, they’re expected, so save yourself years of post-Spring Break stress disorder and keep to the usual standbys!

Check out the full press release at OnlineBootyCall.com!

This incredible video from The Onion News Network reports on the dangers of being stoked too often, from getting sweet sun tattoos to chest-bumping your way to a broken sternum. Are you among the many who are at risk of spending too much of their life being stoked? Watch this video and find out.