With the unemployment rate hovering just below 10% these days, we’re all lucky to even have a job, whether it be at a fast food joint or a clothing store or as a fart-joke-loving blogger pretending to know about fantasy football when she clearly only watches the sport to admire the spandex-clad butts. We should all be grateful that we make enough money to live, house ourselves, and eat, and should be frugal with our remaining funds.
Look. What I’m trying to get at here, is you need to stop trolling the clubs looking for booty, when you’ve got VIP service at Club OBC, full of singles looking for the same thing you are. Need more proof? Check out the chart below for our booty cost comparison!
Reason 4,598 people should avoid long-term relationships: they might give you a heart attack.
Relationship insecurity (n): the constant fear that you’re not good enough and your partner will cheat, and extreme fear of rejection.
Assuming you aren’t some sort of AI robot (and if you are, please consider me a friend when you take over the planet), you probably have felt that twinge of jealousy in your relationships, but if you are the type to constantly fret about cheating and rejection, guess what? You’re more likely to have cardiovascular problems later in life, according to the National Cormorbidity Survey Replication. When they had a survey of participants rate their relationship personality, as either is secure, avoidant, or anxious (insecure), they found that those in the third category were more likely to suffer from a wide array of health issues, especially cardiovascular problems.
The lesson here? Well, take our advice and stick to casual dating while you can, but if you have to get all long-term on us, be secure, be confident, be aware that life goes on, and don’t be anxious, cause it could really kill you!
After watching the hilarious video below featuring comedian Peet Guercio discussing quite possibly the most uncomfortable post-hookup e-mail (e-mail?! Really?!) ever to be sent ever, we began thinking about our own awkward post-hook up stories so you know to avoid them. Keep this post bookmarked for future reference, because you know it’s gonna happen eventually.
1) The post-coitus STD talk
Although you’ll probably never experience the e-mail that Peet got (we hope), there are always the few people in the world who decide that the heavy breathing, laughing and blushing post-sex moments are the perfect time to be like, “HEY SO YOU DONT GOT THE HIV OR NOTHIN, RIGHT?” We understand that safety is a priority, but by gloving your junk and/or discussing these things before hand, we can nix the part where you roll over all sexily and whisper, “I hope your genitals didn’t give mine a disease.”
2) The morning after text-off
A simple “that was fun” can be the cherry on the cake of a great hook up. But if its followed by “right?” “hello?” “you aren’t mad are you?” “do you hate me?” “DO YOU DO THIS TO ALL WOMEN????” are admissions of a chick’s insecurity and well… nuttiness. Keep the allusion of mystery with your one-night-stand by avoiding too many texts the next day.
3) Tears McGee
Seriously, don’t cry after sex. Just… don’t.
4)The small-talker
Once you’ve been rolling around in the sack for an entire night with a person, the need to discuss your family tree is… minimal. Keep that for the off chance that you’ll ever go on a date.
5) What’s your name?
Now, I know that most of these are generally addressed towards the ladies, but come on guys, if you end up walking your fun-time-partner to the door and can’t even recall her name to say godbye… that’s not a good sign. If you couldn’t even get that most basic of details, who knows if she said “Hi my name is Sarah and I have genital warts, just so you know.” Keep your ears open for the basic info, or you’ll be WISHING she had pulled a #1 the second you started feeling a slight, um, burning sensation.
Check out the video below of Peet Guercio giving HIS most awkward post-hook-up conversation.
There are few things on the internet that give us as much pre-teen giddiness as a flirty Facebook chat. If you’re like me, you’re generally repulsed everytime you hear the little *clink* of a Facebook chat message, because 99.9% of the time it’s the LAST person you want to talk to (i.e. the most boring person on your friends list). However, on the off chance that an old fling or a new guy/girl you met recently sends you a message, that little *clink* quickly shifts from miserable to heart-pounding.
That being said, people shouldn’t meet on Facebook. Furthermore, people shouldn’t add each other on Facebook if they’re beginning to date. Why? Because why should a person you’re getting to know get to know you before you get to know them?
Sorry, that was confusing. But let’s just say you met some chick at a bar, and she (using her FBI-rivaling powers of Facebook searching) tracked you down and friended you. Not only will she spend the next 5 to 10 days browsing through every photo album and status update you’ve ever created, but she’ll have read your About Me about 400 times and will probably know half your friends’ names. So if you happen to meet up with her again, the exchange will go something like
You: “Yeah, I’m a film maj-”
Her: “FILM MAJOR I know yeah I know I saw that”
You: “…Uh, yeah, and my favorite director is-”
Her: “WES ANDERSON?? Yeah I know me too.”
You: “…Okay… ha, uh… anyway, me and my friend Ky-”
Her: “KYLE JENSEN AND YOU ARE ENTERING THE 48 HOUR FILM FESTIVAL WITH THE THEME HEARTBREAK ON JULY 16th?”
Facebook takes all the fun out of meeting people, hooking up, and getting to know them. Stick to dating sites, and more specifically, OnlineBootyCall.com !
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