In recent Never-Saw-That-Coming news, the vuvuzela, the African horn-like instrument that tops the International List of Annoying Instruments (even above bagpipes!), is officially banned from European soccer matches. According to the UEFA, “In the specific context of South Africa, the vuvuzela adds a touch of local flavor and folklore, but UEFA feels that the instrument’s widespread use would not be appropriate in Europe, where a continuous loud background noise would be emphasized.” Okay, I get it, trying not to sound racist… They went on to say, “UEFA is of the view that the vuvuzelas would completely change the atmosphere, drowning supporter emotions and detracting from the experience of the game.”

Emotions? Experience? HA! Nice try, UEFA. I’m pretty sure most soccer fans are blacked out by the time they get to their seats. Your official statement should have been, “That s— is annoying and should be burned in a fire. The end.”

It’s Fridayyyyyy (the 13th, by the way, so no walking under ladders and absolutely NO punching mirrors, Dominic Monaghan.) and it’s time to start planning out your weekend. BCU has decided to start Friday blog posts about the three things you should do this weekend, every once in a while peppering in some things you definitely SHOULDN’T do, such as, “DON’T go to Glamour Shots, because they will probably end up looking like these.” (number 5 is totally your future wife, btw). So, without further adieu, BCU’s top 3 things you HAVE TOdo this weekend.

The entire Bengals team. I think. img @ bossip

1) PRE-SEASON FOOTBALL MOTHER F***ER!

FOOT! BALL! FOOT! BALL! SPORTS! MEN! BEER! Okay, I’m tired. But anyway, preseason football is here, and this year people care more than ever. I have learned that if you’re thinking about changing the channel away from ESPN around a guy, you might as well shoot him in the head execution-style, and also, you’ll never receive a more evil, condescending stare as you will if you try and convince a  man that “it’s not even the real season yet” because ALL football is REAL and it MATTERS, OKAY, and SHUT UP. Anyway — get on board, hit your favorite bar, and on Saturday watch the Chargers Vs Bears game, Sunday the Denver Vs. TO and Ochocinco game. Whatever you do, even if you miss the games, find out what happened or else you will have absolutely NOTHING to talk to anyone about for the next six months.

Bad-Assery at its finest. img @ moviearcadia

2) See the Expendables

And don’t you DARE see Eat, Pray, Vomit or whatever it’s called, because you respect yourself too much to subject your eyes and brain and soul to two hours of Julia Roberts being like blah blah blah India blah blah blah divorce blah blah blah not real problems.

basically, look like this, please. img @ smh.com.au

3) Get laid

According to Reuters, men who wear red are more attractive to the opposite sex, so bust out that red cardigan and get to work! Now, personally, I find that most men look terrible in red, so what I mean to say is, shave that awkward ‘stache you’ve been attempting, take a shower, and maybe wear a shirt with buttons? I don’t know, call me crazy, but when you start chatting up that lady at the bar on Saturday when you’re cheering on Philip Rivers (because that’s what gentlemen do), she’s gonna pay attention to whether or not you look like you own soap and/or hangers. Make this weekend count!

This has been the Friday the 13th edition of the Things You Have to Do This Weekend. Annnnnd BREAK.

img @ gamepro

And in one long, boring-until-the-last-second match on Sunday, the World Cup is over. Congrats to Spain! No more drunken 7 am cheering, no vuvuzelas destroying my ears every morning, and no more underwater creatures make predictions (?) of how sports events are going to play out. Needless to say, men of the world are feeling bored, and post-month-long-bender hungover. You may be feeling lost, confused, and unaware of how to start your life after such an important event left you. Well, slow down captain, we got you covered. BCU has your top 5 list of things to do now that the World Cup is over.

1) Sober up

Take a week to get off the bottle. Not unlike a heroine binge in someone’s garage, you’re probably feeling anxious, sick, and in a LOT of pain. So get a few 18 packs (OF WATER) and continually drink them, all day, every day, until your body is rid of the toxins that you’ve been pouring into it for the past month and a half.Oh, and if you’re feeling really adventurous, considering eating some fruits and vegetables. They’ll help your body replenish the nutrients it loses when you eat bar food for 6 weeks.

2) Go outside

If you live in San Diego, you got lucky this past month because it was cloudy and disgusting and cold, so being in a dark, dingy pub wasn’t all that big of a deal. But just now, as though the gods predicted it, the sun has come out to greet the world and entice you to actually step foot outside. And assuming you are sobering up, you’ll need the Vitamin D to combat the soul-crushing depression.

3) Watch baseball

I know, I know, compared to the non-stop “action” of soccer, baseball is boring and full of fatties. However, if you’re a true sports fan, you’re gonna need something to get you by until Spetember when football finally starts. Think of baseball as the methadone to your soccer addiction.

4) Go to the movies

Did you know that during the past month, while you were tearing up in the corner because all 6 of your favorite teams lost, there were some awesome movies coming out? Toy Story 3, Despicable Me, and the underrated Cyrus are all still in theaters and still making people laugh, cry, and think. Go hit a movie theater with some popcorn and a 40 oz beverage (OF SODA) and get back into the American lifestyle. And on that note,

5) Start being American again

You’ve probably been eating gross Euro foods and drinking Euro beer for a while now, and you may have forgotten what it’s like to be a die-hard American patriot. So put your scarf and Adidas away, head down to McDonald’s, order a combo, and then eat it while holding your gun and wearing your American flag and talking about how soccer is Socialist.

Don’t worry, buddy, your life will be better soon. As soon as football starts, you’ll forget why you even cared about that stupid game, until 2014 when you’ll become the most die-hard “footy” fan ever to touch the Earth.

Oh Europeans, you and your crazy little quirks. Like your teeth and your smell and your love for disgusting foods like liver and tripe and your driving on the wrong side, no not the left side, the WRONG side of the road.

And did you guys know that there was an octopus- I’m sorry, an “ORACLE” octopus, that correctly predicted all of Germany’s outcomes all the way up until its depressing loss to Spain on Wednesday? So, naturally, instead of being like, “Dang it, World Cup team, you failed us!” or “Man that other team sure was good!” they have decided that it’s all the damn octopus’ fault. Theeight-legged swimmer, so cutely named “Paul,” is now on the receiving end of some really pissed off German dudes, and we sure know what angry Germans are capable of.

In awesome top-of-the-food-chain fashion, the Germans have decided that the best way to exert revenge on this sabotaging Benedict-Arnold/ poor, innocent creature that never asked for any of this is to slap him on a grill in public (a la Salem Witch Trails) and eat him with all the German anger they can muster.

Once again, rabid fans, you realize they’re playing a child’s game, right?

JUST KIDDING SPORTS > EVERYTHING

Reuters

Hey guys! How was your Fourth of July? Was it totally awesome in a celebration-of-our-Independence type of way? Assuming you followed my Fourth of July mandates, it most certainly was as American as apple pie and Jack Daniels.

In un-American news, the World Cup is still happening, and people still care about it. There are four teams left: Uruguay, Netherlands, Spain, and Germany. And according to this very symmetrical chart, we already know who’s going to win.