AAAAAAANNNNND that’s enough for today. I’m going back to bed. Have a nice weekend, I’ll be rocking back and forth in my shower trying to wash this off my brain.

See you Monday!

It’s so close to being Super Bowl weekend, you guys! “But the Super Bowl is only on Sunday!” you might be thinking – wrong. Super Bowl begins tonight, when you argue with your friends about who is going to win, and then tomorrow, when you prepare for the big party by stocking up on chips, chicken wings, bean dip, and beer, and then, of course, SWEET, GLORIOUS SUNDAY, when millions of Americans gather around their TVs to curse and binge eat and pretend like they could totally do a better job of coaching than those idiots.

However, every wonderful event has to be punctuated by something awful to make you appreciate the rest of it, and this year that cringe-worthy punctuation comes in the form of a zombie skeleton named Madonna, who will perform at the halftime show with her terrifying arms ablaze and haunt our dreams for the rest of the month.

Luckily, we have a little video here to prepare you for the onslaught of elderly that we’ll all be experiencing come Sunday: this music video for Madonna’s new single “Give Me All Your Luvin’” (yes, with a U), featuring Nicki Minaj and MIA. With its football theme and incredible Photoshop job making Madonna look almost life-like, this video will give you a taste of the mess of this year’s halftime show. Deep breath, everyone. Brace yourselves.

May God help us all.

Acceptable uses of booty:

a) a hot derriere
b) a sexy hook up
c) something a pirate collects on the high seas

Unacceptable use of the word booty:

ANYTHING MICROWAVABLE AND “MOIST” THAT GOES ON YOUR DISGUSTING LONELY FEET. EW. EW EW EW.

I try and keep my prejudices to a minimum. After years of Anthropology classes, I have learned that a trend of instances does not constitute a fact, and that people are a product of their surroundings, not their race. So I understand that just because two super weird fetishy things come out of a country in a span of a week doesn’t necessarily mean that an entire country of people have inherently weird fetishes, it’s just that the weird ones are crazy enough to make  the news over here. Right? RIGHT?

Because, um… I just found out that there is a new crazy trend in Japanese photography of young, nubile Japanese girls… licking… doorknobs. Kinda like this:

Sure, it ain’t no tentacle porn, but it’s still kind of, unsettling. And coming just days after we learned about the creepiest iPhone app ever, we can’t help but feel like there is something in the water in Japan that is birthing these creepy fetishes. The Chive has kindly (or grossly) compiled 33 photos of the strangely erotic photo fad, in case those up there aren’t enough for you.

Oh, and there’s no nudity, but I somehow still think they are NSFW. I don’t know. I can’t tell. I’m just weirded out.

via extremefunnyhumor

Coming to an iPhone near you from the country that brought you sharking is a cringe-worthy app that silences the smartphone’s camera function, thus allowing creeps around the word to take pictures of people (namely women) without their consent or knowledge, according to MercuryNews.

The app, which can be upgraded to a version which displays a fake e-mail browser on the screen to FURTHER hide your pervy photography, is an unwelcome addition to Japan, a country where just last year over 1700 cases of “illicit photography” led to arrests, a 1.6-fold jump from the previous year.

According to a senior Japanese official, the police force “can’t help but think these apps are designed specifically for taking sneaky photos,” although clearly they’ve never tried to take a photo of a puppy sleeping, because that’s totally another worthy use of a camera silencer [/sarcasm].

Let’s just hope this app doesn’t cross overseas, because the last thing we need is that creep down the street from me to get a hold of a product like this. ::shudder::

nothing says love like texting mid-kiss.

Marriage: the most sacred, meaningful, and important institution our species celebrates, or so we’ve been told…  but definitely not to famous-for-being-snubbed Brandi Glanville, a Real Houswives star whose husband famously left her for country singer Leann Rimes. According to Radar Online, Glanville got married in a ridiculous drunken ceremony in Las Vegas and then “honeymooned” at the Spearmint Rhino strip club  over the holiday weekend with some guy named Darin Harvey.

Glanville, in classic Real Housewives immaturity, tweeted multiple times throughout the night, saying, “I’m married again- suuuuuuck it!” “Honeymoons with strippers are the best!” and “After some beer and strippers he is now my husband. No joke!”

Harvey, however, seemed to have woken up with a headache, a queasy stomach, and a severe case of regret, because he tweeted the following morning that the wedding was a “drunken BFF thing” and that he ”had a crazy Vegas moment. Getting annulled tomorrow.”

I don’t know about you, but all I can think when I read those last three paragraphs is how happy I am that marriage still means as much as it did when our ancestors joined together in holy matrimony in the 1700s. I’m sure we all feel that couples’ passion, devotion, and love just by reading their tweets, don’t we?

Here’s a fun game. See how far you can get into this video without dry heaving, crying, passing out, or calling the police and demanding they go back in time and arrest everyone involved in this video. I got twelve seconds in.

Never fear, because the maker of Truck Nutz, Harry Balz Novelties, has seen the gap in the market and has come to save the day with a new invention: Car Thongs. The frilly size 200 panties fit snugly over the back of most vehicles, and in my opinion, are the perfect way to tell passing cars that you are both classy, sensual, and feminine.

Or, possibly, that you are a completely psychotic attention whore that will fake a suicide attempt if a guy tries to break up with you. One or the other.

Via Jalopnik

No thank you.