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Little did I know she could pull a move that would make her 10x more obnoxious and at least 10,000,000 times more creepy: she could be the face of lube. According to The Superficial, Kris Jenner has signed on as the new spokeswoman for Zestra Essential Arousal Oils, “which claims to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure by heightening sensitivity to touch.” Via the source:

“She’s tried it and uses it. She wants to promote great sex,” a source tells Life & Style about Kris, who has been married to Bruce since 1991. “Zestra is an over-the-counter product clinically proven to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure.”

Let that sit for a minute. Yep. There it is. Feel that? That wave of nausea? It’s probably because you’re subconsciously imagining Kris and Bruce Jenner mashing their overly-silicone bodies together, with Bruce’s frozen face hardly budging and Kris constantly yelling “oh GOD I HOPE THE PAPARAZZI DON’T ACCIDENTALLY SHOW UP AT THE SCHEDULED TIME THAT I INVITED THEM!”

I’m sorry to do this to you this early in the morning, but if I have to see it, so do you. That’s how it goes. Have a lovely day picturing Kris mid-orgasm.

You know how sometimes you hate a person SO MUCH, that you honestly don’t think they could possibly do anything to ever make you like them ever? And then you see them really sad and desperate, and you’re like, okay, fine, I guess you ARE a human being just like me and at least we have that in common and I should at least have an iota of respect for your humanity?

Yeah, this isn’t one of those times. She’s still a fake b*tch.

I read about this story earlier this week, but ignored it in the same way I try to avoid all reality star “news,” unless it pertains to the “marriage can wait” theme. Khloe Kardashian having a different father than her two sisters doesn’t really have anything to do with, well, anything, so I was going to let the whole story wash over so I could go back to hating that whole family, related-by-blood or not.

But then today I read some of the responses from the KK clan, and realized that maybe it does kind of fit into the anti- marriage theme in a backwards way. So let’s back up a bit.

According to a report by Radar Online, Robert Kardashian’s widow, Ellen, decided to go to the press with the story that Robert wasn’t actually Khloe’s father – news that came as an interesting addition to Kris Jenner’s admission of infidelity last year when she was hocking her book all over the daytime talk show circuit. Ellen claims that Robert and Kris weren’t even sleeping together when Khloe was conceived, but that Robert never chose to ask for a paternity test because he loved Khloe just as much as his other biological children. Interestingly enough, Ellen just recently filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy, although I’m sure that has nothing to do with her selling a story like this to the media. (Robert’s other ex-wife, Jan, apparently confirmed the story)

Needless to say, Kris and Khloe have deemed the story “ridiculous” and have called Ellen “disgusting.” Furthermore, Kris went on Good Morning America to say “It just gets weirder and weirder: I have never heard such crap in my life. I mean, I was there! I gave birth, I know who the dad was.” (note, she didn’t say who)

Although Khloe once took a DNA test with her mother to show she wasn’t adopted, they never tested her DNA with her siblings, so it’s entirely possible that she is the product of an affair, which would explain her significantly different appearance compared to her similar looking sisters, Kim and Kourtney. While I’d love to ignore this story, I kind of would love to hear the family say “it’s none of your business, ” so I could say YES IT IS YOU FAME-WHORES, YOU MADE IT OUR BUSINESS WHEN YOU GAVE YOURSELF A REALITY SHOW.

So, how does this all relate to our don’t -get-married stance? Well, because if you get married, your ex-wife might use your name and inheritance to turn your children into narcissistic a**holes while your other two ex-wives try to ruin their lives to make money. Too much of a stretch? Fine. I’ll just go back to hating them silently then.

Talk about some spice for the Kardashian divorce scandal! It’s like if Kim took the salt and pepper and gently seasoned our steak, and Kris came over with a bottle of sriracha and said HOW ABOUT THAT?!

According to TheHuffingtonPost, Just weeks after Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of 72 days, Kris fired back, filing for an annulment. And annulment is only possible if the marriage is deemed never valid, like for example if the entire thing was fraud, which I’m pretty sure is the word that adorns the Kardashian family crest. “Kardashian… love, honor, FRAUD.”

“There’s a clear conflict if one spouse is seeking a divorce, but the other wants an annulment,” family law attorney Scott Weston, told People. “A judge will have to decide which to allow, which could take many months.”

I can only hope that after all this dust settles, Kris writes a tell all book talking about how their marriage was a publicity stunt and that Kim is actually a cyborg created by her mother and feeds off tabloid pages and silicone injections. Ohhhhh pretty please pretty please let that be the case. Although, if Kim is a cyborg, I’m sure there was a non-disclosure agreement. DAMN YOU, CYBORG KIIIIIMMMMM!!!!

This morning my friend sent me a Facebook message that said, “Do you think E! will have a special called “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce”?” and I laughed because hahaha, that couple is probably going to get divorced. Then I proceeded over to People.com and right there, next to Lindsey Lohan getting her teeth whitened, BOOM: KIM KARDASHIAN IS FILING FOR DIVORCE.

I’m sorry, but HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

72 days! That’s how long that “fairytale” marriage lasted. Now, I’m not sure if I can really chalk this up to a loss for the two of them, because if you’ll recall, they actually MADE MONEY off their insanely lavish, worthy-of-a-four-hour-TV-special wedding. And I’m sure their pre-nup was about as cut and dry as you can get, so I’m sure the “irreconcilable differences” that they are citing in their divorce aren’t going to put a dent in either of their pocketbooks.

So, let’s play a little game, shall we? Specifically, the “what could possibly end a loving marriage in 72 days?” game.

In conclusion, not only does THIS exist, but two people can make an exorbitant amount of money off a fake wedding and then call it of less than three months later. #marriageisaJOKE.

In a war against establishment and big business and our media-soaked society, I gave up my cable earlier this summer (note: I did it because I was broke). It was tough, I’ll admit. And every time I heard someone mention a hilarious Jersey Shore stupidity or some new episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras” that was sure to make me vomit, I cried a bit inside because a part of me just LOVES giving into the trash that cable television spits out on a daily basis.

Still, it got easier, and I began to forget that I was missing out on the world of TV. And for the first time this weekend, I was over-joyed not to have cable, when news outlets, tabloids, and gossip columns worldwide began pumping the news that Kim Kardashian, our very own reality princess, officially got married.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Exclusive photos of Kim Kardashian’s wedding to NBA player Kris Humphries were sold to People magazine for $1.5 million, according to insiders. The weekly shelled out $300,000 to the couple for their engagement announcement in May, and bested several other publications in a bidding war for the ceremony pics.
Britain’s OK! magazine paid $100,000 for exclusive bridal shower coverage.
These high-priced deals, coupled with freebies bartered in exchange for promotion, make Kardashian one of the rare brides who will actually bring in more for her wedding than she paid for it. Saturday’s ceremony has been estimated to cost at least half a million dollars but those costs are offset by items such as a free, $20,000 Vera Wang gown and a lucrative deal with E! for the two-part Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event special.

UGGGGHHH. You know what, whatever. If people want to ruin their lives by placing over-priced shackles on their fingers, FINE. FINE! Do what you want! But you shouldn’t be allowed to get PAID FOR IT. And you shouldn’t be allowed to pimp out your f*cking wedding photos, for god’s sake. And you DEFINITELY shouldn’t have a FOUR HOUR LONG SPECIAL ABOUT IT ON TV.

I was irritated, but not angry, until I was reminded of a minor detail from this RadarOnline quote via TheSuperficial:

“And to think you really have me to thank for all this ;-)” a source tells us Ray J texted the bride!

OH! THAT’S RIGHT! I FORGOT! Kim Kardashian, a woman who got paid to get married and is a multi-millionaire and will likely poison our TV sets for years to come is basking in this glory mainly because she let Brandy’s little brother stick it in her on tape.

This is the world we live in now, people. This is the world we live in.

As you read this I am on a jet plane (that, by the way, is NOT showing a movie about orgasms, DUMB) to San Francisco for Outside Lands, a music fest that you will hear all about on Monday. But for now my friends, here is your weekly celeb dose, cause your favorite blogger is goin’ on a VAY-CAY! PEACE OUT.

There is a 3rd Harold and Kumar coming out for Christmas, and it’s in 3D, of COURSE. [TheBlemish]

Gwyneth Paltrow made a list of things she “can’t live without.” Funny because she’s on my list of “things I want to bury alive.” [TheSuperficial]

Speaking of 3D, Kim Kardashian is in 3D on the cover of a magazine which is something I’ve never wanted. [Celebuzz]

The Barefoot Bandit is getting a movie deal. (admittedly I would totally watch this) [Gawker]

The chick who Alex Trebek tackled might be going to jail for a long time. GOOD RIDDANCE FOR $400, ALEX. [Dlisted]

Nothing says “good decision making” like getting married 3 months after your divorce, amirite? [TheSuperficial]

Rebecca Black was bullied into being homeschooled. DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING. [JustJared]

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. CHALK ONE UP FOR OUR TEAM. [JustJared]

On that note, JLo was the reason Mary-Louise Parker couldn’t see the Royals [Dlisted]

Apparently all you have to do to get a celebrity to go on a date with you is serve in the military under practically unlivable conditions while putting your life at risk in a foreign country! UGH! [Celebuzz]

Chris Brown is still allowed in public, so that’s nice [TheSuperficial]

The final Harry Potter movie came out this weekend, so let’s take a look at how awkward Daniel Radcliffe is [Celebuzz]

Kim Kardashian’s mom’s wedding gift? A FACELIFT, OBVIOUSLY  [Theblemish]

Blake Lively nude picture leak is the greatest nude leak since Vanessa Hudgens [MTV]

They put Octomom in a bikini for some GODAWFUL reason [TheSuperficial]

Kim Kardashian got engaged… on her reality show. SHOCKER [Dlisted]

ARod and Cameron Diaz split. There is nothing exciting to add to this. [TheBlemish]