img @ dlisted

Uh oh. The US unemployment rate is about to take another dip, guys, because the “Tiger Woods Peen-Sucker and Tabloid Fodder” committee, which has for the past 6 years employed 80 to 90% of the country’s ho-hos is gonna have lay off all its employees. That’s right, girls*, you’ll have to find another wildly successful but fairly dull married celebrity to blackmail for money, because Tiger Woods is now a divorced man.

According to a statement released to People, Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods are officially divorced, and were quoted saying, “we are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”

Needless to say, nobody cares about an average-looking divorced millionaire sports star who bangs anything with crushingly low self-esteem and an Ambien hookup, so unfortunately ladies**, we, as the American public, are gonna have to let you go.

Full Story at People

* using that term loosely.

** using that term really, really loosely.

Sometimes I think the 1930s were a better time. I mean, sure they didn’t have iPhones  or free downloadable porn and the Great Depression was in full effect, but hey, the cars were badass and the dancing was… okay fine the cars were badass.

And when a piece of literature this fine comes around, you have to think that maybe they had it right, if only in a misogynistic, extreme patriarchal society type of way. This is a page from the book “The Art of Marriage,” published in 1926 (and reproduced here in 1931), and it discusses the dismal effect a woman’s frigidity can have on a marriage.

While we knew being a prude was annoying, we had no idea it was so detrimental, or that frigidity is passed on by genetics (?) but according to a 1930s textbook,  it is. WHO KNEW.

img @ buzzfeed

they totally got it on before this photo. img @ 4321.co.il

Hooray, it’s time for BCU’s weekly Obviously Obvious news!

Despite right-wing attempts at promoting abstinence only education, downplaying the effectiveness of condoms, and using fear tactics to scare kids into thinking everyone has AIDS, many people are still having sex before marriage. And by many, I mean a lot, and by a lot, I mean most. In fact, a recent report showed that by the time they reach their wedding day, only one in seven women are still married! One in seven!

Alarmingly enough, these same women are still wearing white, still having extravagant weddings, and still letting Mommy and Daddy foot the bill. Somehow, women and men having sex before marriage hasn’t cause the world to implode… crazy, right?!

So, OBCers, get out there, and let’s drop that number to zero of seven!

News from Manolith

Talk about signs from the heavens –

Richard Butler, a Knoxville, TN man recently decided that he was going to take a big, ill-fated step when he purchased an engagement ring and planned a trip to a local mountaintop with his girlfriend to propose to her. Bethany Lott was a nature-lover, enjoyed hiking and even spent a 2 years in Utah exploring the mountains there. Aw, how cute, you might think. What a lovely, romantic gesture, you’re probably saying.

Well, hold that thought.

Once on the mountain, Richard Butler pulled out a ring to propose, lightning struck 3 times, throwing them each in opposite directions. Richard received 3rd degree burns, but his nature-loving girlfriend was tragically killed.

Now, not even BCU can try and poke fun at a man whose soon to be fiancee was struck and killed by lightening. But we can surmise other common proposal methods gone terribly wrong.

1) Ring in your food: As you smile while your lady takes a bite of her delicious pie, waiting for her to notice the ring, she bites into it, cracks her four front teeth, and runs out screaming.

2) In a hot air balloon: “Yes! YES! A MILLION TIMES YES!” as she pushes you in disbelief and you plummet 300 ft into a pen of rabid dogs.

3) On a Jumbotron at a sports event: You dropped 500 dollars on tickets and planned the flashing message with more passion than you have for Call of Duty. Unfortunately you forget she’s one of the few Sarah’s withOUT an H. Being ditched on the Jumbotron hurts almost as bad as the Lions losing. Again.

read the full story @ the guardian.co.uk

Okay. I need you to sit down for this.

Think back, do you remember the movie Me, Myself, and Irene, with Jim Carrey and Renee Lemondrop Face? Yes? Now do you remember how the whitest-of-all-men Jim Carrey genuinely believed he impregnated his wife with these kids?

img @ siamfoundation

And remember how it was a movie? And we all laughed and laughed cause it was a funny joke that a movie made?

Well guess what? Something even more hilarious happened in New York City, and this time it’s not a movie. A white woman named Jennifer Stewart from New York City, who is married to a white man stationed at a military base in Iraq, recently gave birth to an adorable black baby. You might assume that she cheated on her husband, BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG, IDIOT.

According to Jennifer, she and some friends went to see a porn in 3-D in New York City, and that just a few weeks later, she began feeling sick, took a pregnancy test, and LO AND BEHOLD, her eggo was preggo.

She claims that the baby that popped out 9 months later looks exactly like the actor in the porn, and because it was in 3-D, the actor must have knocked her up. Luckily her husband has the same mental capacity as her, as he was quoted saying, “I see it as suspicious. The films in 3-D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible.”

In other news, toilet seat gets woman pregnant.

Full Story @ PopJolly