UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Happy Hump Day?

Confession time: I’m not that into movies. I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU’RE SHOCKED AN APPALLED. I tout movie trailers all the time, talking about how excited I am for comic book movies sci-fi films and action thrillers. But I’ll be honest: I ALWAYS wait for them to come out on DVD because I hate seeing movies in theaters! Why? Well, I hate paying 12 dollars for a 2 hour experience, hate buying 6 dollar boxes of candy, hate feeling like I’m missing something when I have to pee, and HATE feeling trapped because I don’t really have much choice but sit there through the whole thing even if I hate because I paid 12 DOLLARS FOR IT.

However, this morning my news feed wrapped this Christmas gift up in bright red wrapping paper and a big gold bow and I can tell you with 100% certainty that I will be seeing the following movie, in theaters, on the first night, with a big ol’ box of 6 dollar Raisinettes. Why? Three words: MEN. IN. BLACK.

Jamie Bell, a British actor best known for his role as a male ballerina in the movie Billy Elliot, is about to star in a remake of the movie Tintin directed by Steven Spielberg. In an interview with GQ, however, the most interesting detail was his very accurate answer to the question”What’s the best way to impress a woman?”

Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let’s cut to the primal – be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what’s going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.

Um, yes? Perfect, flawless answer? But wait, it gets better. When the interviewer asked what skill every man should have, Bell continued his string of 100% correct answers:

Skill? You know what I’m going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.

WHO IS THIS ANGEL FROM THE HEAVENS, AND WHY HAVE WE NEVER PAID HIM MORE ATTENTION? Some news outlets are claiming that Bell’s answers are “heterosexist,” because they imply that men are only supposed to be with women. But as a female who is also heterosexual, I have to politely disagree and say that he scored 102/100 in this interview. The extra two points are for the cute-boy-morphed-into-a-handsome-man photo. A+.

Story and image via GQ

“Hello, Fandango? I would like to take 400 tickets to the midnight showing of The Avengers so that I can see it by myself so no one bothers me and I can eat my popcorn alone WITHOUT PEOPLE STEALING IT in total silence without people yelling “siiiiiick” and other stupid things because seriously that is the worst and this is THE AVENGERS and NOBODY WILL BE PERMITTED TO RUIN THIS FOR ME.”

I hate scary movies. They give me nightmares and make me nervous in my own house and make me wary of every person on the street because apparently just about anyone can be a unkillable murdering psycho-clown and you won’t know it till they’re removing your liver with a circular saw.

The only things I hate MORE than scary movies, though, are pornos that attempt to have too much of a story line. The acting is terrible and the storylines are completely unrealistic (see: my earlier post) and it takes forEVER to get the stuff you WANT to see.

However, somehow, by the process of cancellation maybe, A Wet Dream on Elm Street looks, well, kind of AWESOME? What do you think?

That’s right – Nike is releasing a real life pair of the MAGs, the sweet shoes Marty McFly (played by Michael J. Fox) wore in the hit trilogy, Back to the Future back in the eighties. Somehow, I was not super intrigued by these, until I found out that there are only 1500 pairs of them and they’re going to auction on eBay starting tonight. Now, MAMA WANT.

Also, does this mean that hoverboards are just around the corner?

How was your weekend, by the way? I forgot to ask you. I’m sorry. Was it great? Did you hit up some great parties and hot clubs? Hook up with a sexy booty call or maybe two? Yeah, me too. I was out bar-hopping and being super awesome all weekend. What I definitely wasn’t doing was dusting off my Gryffindor scarf and applying my temporary lightning bolt scar tattoo and waiting in line to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two with about 400 underaged kids while holding my homemade Butter Beer and squealing like a small child.

Hypothetically speaking, though, if I DID do that, I would have told you that I cried at the end because it was the best movie ever made in the history of cinema although it obviously didn’t hold up to the glory of the book but that would be impossible anyway and I was really sad that it was over. Hypothetically, I probably would have told you I was gonna go see it again tonight. AND HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, I would probably tell you that I’ll be dressing up with just as much excitement and vigor when The Dark Knight Rises finally releases because OH MY GOD WAS THAT BANE?!?!?!?

Needless to say, I am partially excited to see the new movie trailers and celebrities and show panels and whatnot, starting with the one for next years Batman installment: The Dark Knight Rises. A poster was just released yesterday, and if graphics on a 500 X 600 black space are any hint as to the awesomeness of a movie, The Dark Knight Rises is going to be 120% AWESOME.

Hurry UP, Summer 2012!

Alright, I admit it. I used to watch Even Stevens on the Disney Channel. I know it’s cheesy and I was definitely a few years too old to be watching it at the time, but it was a silly, fun show that came on after school and I didn’t have any friends anyway so it was entertaining enough.

Had you told me back in the early 2000s that Shia LeBeouf was going to turn out to be a huge a-hole d-bag, I’d have told you to f-off, because Louis Stevens was the cutest silliest character ever. However, after reading an interview in Details magazine with the Transformers star, I am convinced he’s become one of the most egotistical, arrogant stars in Hollywood.

From DListed:

On being an asshole:

“I would like to be George Clooney– diplomatic. I just don’t have the wherewithal yet or the inner serenity. My bullshit meter is tuned very sensitive. The minute it starts kicking up, I get back to truth, and sometimes that involves, you know, ‘I don’t want to take a picture.’ And if that’s the case, am I an asshole for being honest? Or am I an asshole for being dishonest, smiling in your picture and I fucking hate being there? Which one is worse? These are the questions I ask myself that George Clooney doesn’t ask.”

On if he’s ever humped on Megan Fox:

“Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them. I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

On if she was with Brian Austin Green at the time:

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. . . It was what it was.”

On Oliver Stone and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps:

“He’s trying to play nice. But for a movie like Wall Street that had so much bite the first time around to come out without fangs and preach a message of hope wasn’t what people were looking for.”

So basically, in one interview he made himself sound cooler than George Clooney, sold out a girl he might (keyword: MIGHT) have hooked up with, and threw a world class director under the bus. That is like, the jerk-off trifecta.

Look out, Louis Stevens. You’re about to be black-balled in Hollywood. And let me remind you, good sir, that THIS was your start in the entertainment industry:

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: When asked about his opinion on the Shia LeBeouf interview, eternal bad ass and Hollywood legacy Harrison Ford said:

“I think he was a f***ing idiot.”

BRAVO!

I remember when we first heard that there were two different movies coming out this year about “friends with benefits” relationships, both starring hot guys (Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake) and hot girls (Black Swan stars Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis) doing what we’ve always believed in – hooking up and having fun without all the commitment and drama of a full blown relationship. Then of course the trailers came out and we realized they weren’t actually on our side because it’s Hollywood and apparently a movie isn’t complete without someone falling in love and blah blah blah blah barf.

So, we treated the two movies like pet birds and put a blanket over their cage and said GO TO BED, LOUD MOUTH, and moved on. Fast forward 6 months, and this glorious mash up just about made our day!

Check out the scientific proof that Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached are the same movie below!