You: “Oh look at this group of friends, having so much f-… wait, WAIT, is that girl naked?!!! Holy GOD she is! I mean, that’s sort of really weird. That angle is just… and her boob is sort of… but I guess, I mean whatever she’s-

wait

wait

WAIT

THAT IS FAT GIRL’S ARM.

So, it’s time for take 2, in BCU Girl’s Lessons In Profile Pictures.

Alright, here we go.

Lesson one. Taking photos.

img @ androidcommunity

In case you were wondering, no, no it was never okay to take your profile picture in a bathroom. The lighting is terrible so you have to use a flash, which reflects on the mirror, hence making you look like a Neanderthal who doesn’t understand modern technology. Also, it’s embarrassing to think about you in the bathroom for an hour trying to get the perfect shot. Oh and also, YOU POOP IN THAT ROOM.

Lesson two. Your face.

img @ guidofistpump

Fix it. I’ve been scrolling through thousands and thousands of faces where you look like you want to punch me in the side of the head, and not in a sexual way. Looking at a photo where you’ve exuded the most frightening glare you can muster is the opposite of attractive. Smile, for goodness sake, SMILE!

Lesson three. Clothing.

img @ flickr

Assuming you live on Earth, gravity generally tends to pull things down. So why do I keep seeing pictures of you pulling your shirt up? And don’t say it’s so I can check out your sweet abs. Because I don’t care, I really, really don’t. Put your shirt on like a normal human being.

Lesson four. Self timer.

Did you know your camera has a button that helps you take pictures of yourself? Crazy, I know. Read the instruction manual on your camera, because there has literally not been a camera made without a self timer since 1990. That way I don’t have to see your hairy arm in every shot.

Lesson five. Posing.

I understand you’re trying to show your most attractive side, but if that side is from 2 feet up so I can’t see your face, or hidden behind someone else, or shielded by sunglasses, I will assume you’re hiding something awful. And if you’re posing in your apartment hallways with your sparkliest button down shirt and leaning seductively against the way, I will just be plain grossed out.

1. Carmen Electra

We forgive Carmen for that terrible reality show she made with her then husband Dave Navarro, and we even forgive her for ever dating Dennis Rodman. Let’s be honest, we’d forgive her for just about anything if she lived her life wearing only a hand bra.

2. Jennifer Scholle

Who is this girl? Does anyone know? I think shes famous for being someone’s girlfriend? Or wife maybe? We really couldn’t care less because this is quite possibly the hottest picture in the history of the world: it’s a double whammy of hand bra and side boob, with the added bonus of a butt shot. Whoever photographed this- we salute you.

3. Bobbie Sue Luthor

The host of the über nerdy Junkyard Wars shows that there’s more to her than announcing whether the Catapult Carnage  beat Jet Grenade. Despite working alongside acne-ridden mechanical geeks, she’s retained a flawless body, exemplified by this high-quality hand bra photo.

4. Sofia Vergara

You might of noticed we’ve been talking a lot about the Colombian bombshell from ABC’s Modern Family. It might be because we love that show, or it might be because this woman has got a rack that acts like a homing device to all males in the world.

5. Joana Krupa

One of the artsier photos in the bunch, the dark background and rainfall do not detract from the epic example of hand bra sexiness that this Dancing with the Stars hottie’s got going on. Very impressive.

I know, I know. Your life is hard. What with your trust fund, huge condo, and new Macbook (which is taking this photo), it’s a wonder you don’t just off yourself. Take the black and white setting off, move those tentacles you call bangs out of the way, and smile, Sylvia Plath.

2. The Headshot-

Whoa, I’m sorry, I thought I was on Facebook. Obviously I accidently stumbled upon your agency’s promotional site. Otherwise there would be no excuse for your freckles being airbrushed, that fake wind thing, and your demonic eyes staring into my soul.

3. Your Baby-

Children are a miracle, sure, but what’s really a miracle is how you somehow replaced every profile picture with that of a giggling infant. Either some time-space continuum thing just happened and you are now 6 months old, or you’re just being obnoxious. I shall guess the latter.

4. Your Kissing Shot-

Your multiple “I’m in love” status updates weren’t enough, huh? You had to post that picture of you and Mr. This Week swapping spit and who-knows-what-else as your main picture? Well thanks, I just vomited on my keyboard.

5. Your Group Shot-

I am on your page to stalk YOU, okay? Having to play Where’s Waldo with your 85 frat brothers isn’t the goal…Oh wait, is that you? The forehead down there holding the handle of vodka? Well. I guess we’re done then.

images and story at guyism.com

img @ petoria.ch

According to BeautifulPeople.com, which claims to be the “elite dating site,” British men and women are the least attractive of the site’s applicants. Only 1 in 8 men and 3 in 20 women have been admitted to the site, which only allows access if an applicant’s photo is approved by a majority of the site’s members.

The managing director of the site, Greg Hodge, says that compared to Scandinavian and Brazilian applicants, Britons are just “not as toned or glamorous.”

I was thinking we should change the name of the site to “iLookNothingLikeThisPhoto.com,” but who am I to judge?

Read more @ MSNBC

(February 2007)  Just got back from Super Bowl weekend in Miami and I probably won’t recover for a few weeks. I’ll keep this one short and let the pics do the talking. What I will tell you is that we partied like it was 1999! From eating at the best spots and shutting down the malls to VIP parties with lots of bootyful people; the OBC crew did it real big in MIA. Take a look.

JB