How the F*CK is a photo of Hugh Hefner planking anything like that, you ask?

BECAUSE THE MAN IS 200 YEARS OLD AND LAYING FACE DOWN ON A COFFEE TABLE IS HOW OLD MEN DIE, THAT’S HOW.

Don’t play tricks on me like that, Hef. I can see the outline of your Depends. You are CLEARLY too old to be planking.

Via TheDailyMail

It’s been a while since we’ve had a really great dose of Obviously Obvious News (although we did get a taste with the news that Kat Von D and Jesse James split), so let’s get a good one to round out the month of July, shall we? According to Playmate Crystal Harris’ appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show, her ex-fiance, 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, only last “two seconds” in bed. She claims that the engaged couple only had sex once,

“Then I was just over it,” she says. “I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I was over it. I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry.” Harris also mentioned that Hefner “doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

It’s not as though we needed any more reasons to believe that their engagement was a sham and that she was just using the multi-millionaire mogul to get some publicity and a record deal, but if we did that’s definitely it. A woman who sauntered across red carpets in ungodly expensive dresses, lived in a mansion, and was gifted a 3-carat engagement ring (that she kept post-break up, BTW) by her doting fiance says they only had sex ONCE? And then went on a dirty radio show to share embarrassing information about the encounter with half a million listeners? If that is not a clear sign of wretched gold-digging then I really don’t know what is.

AND ANYWAY, I mean, OBVIOUSLY, DUH, B*TCH, the man is an octogenarian! There are 30-year-olds who can barely hold their load that long, let alone a man who lived through the friggin’ Depression!!!! You expect a man whose first marriage ended in NINETEEN FORTY SEVEN is going to be a stallion in bed? COME ON, DUMMY.

Unfortunately, there is no telling if Hef was in on the scam too, or if he really is the jilted ex he seems to be. If he was, I guarantee he’ll never admit it – so until then, we’ll jut have to assume that Crystal Harris is a superficial, abusive, conniving whore who left an 85-year-old man at the altar and won’t suffer any repercussions for it. GO AMERICA!

Via Gawker

Just last week, OBC’s founder Moses Brown posed a question that made us all scratch our heads… what if Hugh Hefner’s broken engagement was all a sham? Perhaps the entire thing, from proposal to pathetic Twitter break-up announcement, was a well thought out attempt at garnering more press for Playboy magazine. To be fair, print as a medium is on a slow funeral march to death, so maybe something headline worthy like a “Runaway Bride” story was just the bump the men’s mag needed!

This most recent Jezebel article stokes the potential “scam” fire even more… according to previous reports, Hef’s ex Crystal Harris was set to be on the cover of the next issue of Playboy under the headline “Mrs. Crystal Hefner”. In fact, she called off the wedding so late that the magazine had already been sent to be pressed. However, Jezebel reported, it was not too late to slap each outgoing mag with a sticker proclaiming “RUNAWAY BRIDE IN THIS ISSUE!” which I am sure will intrigue enough people at the newsstands to pick up a copy.

While we’ll probably never know if Crystal Harris’ tearful post-break up interview was just a cover for the millions of dollars she made to pretend to get engaged to a man 60 years her senior, we do know that Hef is a shrewd business man, who could surely turn heartbreak into dollar signs.

Remember when it used to be a hilarious joke to say, “Oh, I just get Playboy for the articles!”?  Everyone would laugh and laugh because NO YOU DIDN’T, YOU WERE LOOKING AT THE BOOBIES, YOU JOKESTER! Remember that? What innocent times.

Nowadays, I think if someone said that, it would probably be fairly true. With the plethora (and I mean plethora) of free porn sites widely available featuring just about every fetish known to man, illegal or not, there is really no reason to drop the cash annually just to get a big, unwieldy magazine delivered to your house that a) makes your neighbor think you’re a perv, and b) ends up collecting dust (and other substances) in your bathroom. Unless of course, you legitimately like the articles, which are usually unavailable online. I’m the first to admit that Playboy has got a good set of writers and they get some pretty revealing (ha! puns!) articles in there sometimes.

Well, stack of sticky magazines be gone – Playboy is finally releasing an iPad app. Like the New York Times and Rolling Stone before it, we can finally enjoy the convenience and ease of having every Playboy magazine ever, in order, at our fingertips, without having a creepy collection under our mattress. And all this for fre- um. Eight bucks a month.

EIGHT BUCKS A MONTH?! NETFLIX PRICES?!!!

Huh. I think we’ll pass.

The cryptically updated Tweet (which I still don’t believe was actually written by Hef, does he even know what a computer is?) suggests that he got laid because he took his wife-to-be Crystal Harris to see the Bieber flick, but we at BCU believe it could mean a couple other things:

- he convinced her to try Metamucil. It might taste like ass-flavored chalk, but it keeps you regular!
– she finally dressed up in the 20s flapper outfit he’s been asking about. Sure it’s knee length and smells like death but hey, it turns him on!
– he got her do that butt thing. You know, taking him to get that prostate exam he’s been putting off.

What do YOU think Hef’s tweet means?

Well, someone hasn’t been reading BCU. According to Twitter account (which, to be honest, I don’t believe his fragile fingers manage), the Playboy founder and eternal bachelor has decided to tie the knot with his 23 year old girlfriend Crystal Harris.

Despite his past statements like “monogamy is something that was invented along the way to take care of children,” the 84 year old mogul seems to have finally changed his mind. He tweeted,”I gave Crystal a ring. This is the happiest Christmas in memory,” which I assume is a reference to his decaying memory senses.

Sigh. Another one bites the dust.

And they do it REALLY, REALLY WELL. NSFW INSIDE:

Check out the rest of the photoshoot over at BUZZFEED.

I recently watched an hour long documentary about the porn business, and how professional porn stars are losing money and their jobs because of the proliferation of amateur sex sites and free pornography on the internet (interesting note: it’s hard to feel bad for someone when you’ve seen a whole soda bottle come out of their vajingo).

It got me thinking about how “back in the day,” the closest you came to watching porn was scrambled Cinemax channels and a quick glimpse of a friend’s dad’s Playboy. Now, any kid with a computer and enough knowledge to override his parents’ content filter (re: anyone) can see some raunchy, mind-boggling porn at any moment of the day, for FREE.

So I can see why they might want to create a line of PSAs to remind parents that their child’s fragile little mind could be getting polluted by beastiality porn if they don’t monitor their internet use. But I have to wonder if this ad was necessary. I’m more creeped out by this child than the thought of what he could be watching… is it just me?

BCU got some flak a couple months back for apparently misinforming the public about the book Tactile Mind — we called it porn, and the author shot back saying, “I have never referred to my work as pornographic,” and we cowered in You’ve-Been-Told shame. Luckily, Jezebel swooped in and saved the day with their post about Playboy for the Blind, which absolutely can not be construed as anything BUT porn for the blind.

Playboy has apparently been coming out with Braille versions of the magazine for years, and a company called Taping for the Blind also produces an all-audio version, where the narrator reads the articles aloud and describes the photos, in imagery-filled text like,

Behind her shoulder, down past her arm, you can see her breast peeking out. … There are no tan lines at all. She is not wearing any nail polish or jewelry or bathing suit or anything.

img @ Asylum

As you may have noted from my previous post, I am currently holding a grudge against Katy Perry for her totally undeserved number one spot on the Maxim Hot 100 List (not that I wouldn’t put her high on the list, I could totally see her sitting at 4 or 5). Her fiancee, on the other hand, British comedian and star of the upcoming movie Get Him To the Greek, I have nothing against. He’s hilarious and rather dashing, which makes it completely believable that in his pre-Perry days, he had, get this: a SEX TEAM.

And no, I know what you’re thinking, he had huge drug-fueled orgies with men and women in India. No? That’s not what you thought? Well, that’s what I thought. Anyway, Russell Brand’s sex team, in his own words to Playboy, was “a team of experts who took care of finding women for me. They had very specific instructions. It was as if I was talking to a wine steward – ‘I’m looking for something French, a bit fruity, smells of oak.”

In general, a story like this would incite jealousy and admiration. However, it should be noted that the man suffers for his craft. A little later in the interview, a story is brought up in which Brand references a stand up routine where he shoved a Barbie doll into his rectum.

So… yeah.