Want someone’s blood-stained futon?

Seriously in need of a VHS copy of Cruel Intentions?

Have an intense desire an Inception themed rim job?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, head on down to the Manhattan, New York Craigslist page. Browse the misspelled ads and try and steer clear of the prostitution stings and you’ll find each of these things. Especially the last one. (Click below to see the ad in all its frightening glory)

Important news everyone! The Kama Sutra is now an audio book! Finally! No more feeling embarrassed bringing out your worn copy at the local deli while eating your meatball sub, no more frightening children at the bus stop by describing what “Angry Scorpion” pose looks like, no more dropping it from your purse during church! Listen to the Hindu lessons on obtaining sexual bliss via the discretion of your own iPod, just like you always wanted.

After hearing this news, I realized that as an adult woman, I don’t know much about the Kama Sutra, and considering the magazine Cosmopolitan exists, and 90% of that magazine is giving women stupid sex advice using the book as reference (pretty sure most guys don’t want you biting their scrotums) , I should know more. So I hit the library (went to Wikipedia), researched a bunch (skimmed the page), and learned a lot (giggled at the pictures). Now, I will pass on some little known info to you!

1) Did you know that “sutra” comes from the same root word that the English “suture” comes from?

That’s right! Kama means sensual or sexual, and Sutra translates to “thread” or “string of aphorisms” (AKA a rule, line, or formula). Apparently it doesn’t mean “book of positions” or “let’s get it on” or “that’s the wrong hole but let’s go with it,” unlike what that kid in 5th grade told me.

2) The Kama Sutra isn’t about Tantric Sex

I tried to look up tantric sex at the library (again, Wikipedia) but unfortunately couldn’t find anything (got bored), but did learn that while the misconception is often there, the Kama Sutra is not about the practice of tantric sex. So… you know. For all of you people into the creepy tantric stuff. This ain’t your manual.

3) It was written by a sacred bull.

Fact: The Kama Sutra was transcribed by Nandi, the sacred bull and doorkeeper of the god Shiva, when he over heard the lovemaking of the god and his wife Parvati. No wonder literature these days is such crap. Maybe if we had holy sacred cow bouncers writing our books we wouldn’t be stuck with s*** like Twilight.

4) The Kama Sutra is not just about sex

Nope, it also includes chapters on making money, priorities of life, obtainment of knowledge, and “conduct of the well-bred townsman.” Which I think includes “not trying to predict the end of every movie, I swear to Shiva I will slap you in your mouth if you don’t shut up.” I think.

5) Nandi is the OG Pick Up Artist

Although I’m sure the sacred bull didn’t wear fuzzy, animal-printed boas and poofy hats and didn’t go by the oh-so-douchey nickname “Mystery,” there is a portion of the transcript dedicated to teaching men how to woo women. I don’t know about you but I’d trust a animal-god-bodyguard more than a skinny white dude who still rocks the flavor-saver any day.

Another day, another lesson. I’m always intrigued by how much knowledge can be acquired when you have the gutter-mind of a 12 year old boy. Your homework: download the audio book. Read chapters 1 – 5, and practice, practice, practice! Or just laugh at the pictures, because OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOOOOOOING????

img @ chinashopmag

As you’d expect, the OBC staff loves a good booty call. In and out in half an hour and free to go on with your nightly business is generally our preferred method, but there are other fun types — morning hookups, cruise ship flings, and foreign country sexcapades are pretty high up there on the awesome list. However, booty calls aren’t always flowers and sunshine and orgasms, sometimes they are, well, how do we put this: F***ING TERRIBLE.

Here are BCU’s top 5 worst hookup moments.

5. The lights-on-realization

The darkness of a nightclub does something for peoples faces that not even a fashion photographer with makeup artist can do. Somehow, everyone just looks amazing in black light. It’s an untouched science, but we’re pretty sure it’s a proven fact. Unfortunately, after making out for two hours under the influence of vodka, the lights sometimes go on and your Mistake Alarm starts going off like crazy. People sometimes think this only applies to women, but guess what dudes, you aren’t that cute either.

4. The weird sex quirk

Hey, we can’t start judging people’s sex quirks. Some like hair pulling, some make weird noises, and hey, that’s totally fine. But if you’re mid hookup and realize the person your on top of is making a face like a lazy-eyed t-rex, it very well could ruin the experience.

3. The post-coital admission of lack of birth control

Women often complain about the tedious responsibility of birth control. And while we agree that guys should always be prepared, it’s never fun when seconds after release, that chick you just stuck it to admits she hasn’t popped the Pill in three weeks. GREAT.

2. The complete lack of motor control

Ladies will know more about this than guys, unfortunately: there are certain people who, in bed, decide that the best method of intercourse is to writhe on top of you a la Grand Mal seizure, and your stuck wondering if they’re okay or if you should call an ambulance. Noticing this in the midst of what you expected to be an awesome hook up, is, well, less than satisfactory.

1. When you realize this is NOT just a booty call

An experience like this spawned the booty call commandment: Thou shalt not ask “what are we”? Let it be known that there is no greater turn off than getting emotional after what was obviously very non-emotional sex. In other words, live the OBC lifestyle: you don’t have to promise marriage just to get a date!

As the unfortunate recipient of a mal-ware virus this weekend which turned my otherwise innocent laptop into a hub of every porn site known to man, including the oddly named, “porno.org,” which implies that there in a non-profit organization that wants to help you find “hot young gay sex”. Needless to say, I came to wonder, how much porn is REALLY on the internet, and a quick Google search got me to an article at  Asylum that solved the mystery.

Almost 40% of the internet is porn. As in, not just a quarter but not quite a half, but about 40%. To put that in perspective, that Armani sweater you’ve been wanting so badly but refuse to buy because it’s $400, would be down to an almost reasonable 240 bucks. It’s no wonder that searching for “brownie recipe” is actually a NSFW decision.

The report by Asylum claims the rest of the internet is devoted to shopping (9 percent), travel (5.7), computing (4.2) and sports (4.2).

Oddly enough, we’re sure most of those have ties to the porn world too. Anyone up for a little vacation “down under”?

img @ webmd

Bad news, ladies. We got the short end of the sex-stick again. HEY! Get your mind out of the gutter! We’re in science class now!

I’m talking about “flibanserin,” the drug toted as the new female Viagra, promised to up sex drive and enhance experience. According to multiple studies, the drug is a bust, and in fact may have cause more harm than good.

In the study, both the subjects given a placebo and those given the drug claimed to have had “more sexually satisfying events” occur, but neither group experienced any sort of increase in sex drive. And worse — in the group that took the drug, 15% of them dropped out due to side effects like depression, fatigue, and fainting. So basically, not only were they still frigid prudes, but they were also angry and tired all the time. Awesome.*

Here’s a tip, whoever created this female Viagra: why not give it a name that doesn’t sound reminiscent to a flabby skin fold on an unshowered obese woman? I dunno, just a tip.

Read up on the depressing facts at the source.

* I can say that, because I’m a woman, and also it’s a joke. Just kidding ladies! No misogyny here!