img @ 30sleeps

You know how sometimes you have those moments when a little voice in your head that tells you to do weird, creepy stuff? Like open your neighbors mail or look in someone’s window? But you don’t do it because that would be really creepy and would probably get you arrested?

Sometimes, when you’ve been broken up with, that little “crazy filter” gets turned off, and you start doing totally nuts, balls to the wall stuff to your ex, and everyone who is witness to it feels this weird mixture of repulsion and sympathy cause they “feel really bad” but also you are “f***ing nuts.” Here are a few of the craziest things exes do.

5) The endless phone calls

The thing about breaking up now versus breaking up in the 1500s is that nowadays you have 700 extra ways to get in contact with your ex.  Phone calls, texting, BBM, Facebook, and probably some even MORE ways that the youngins are thinking up every day. Back in the 1500s you had to physically stand by their door if you ever wanted to see them (re: #1 on the list), now you can sit on your couch and STILL continually be in contact with them.

4) The pretend “lets be friends” deal

No, you can not be friends. Maybe in like, 12 years, when you realize that “hey, other than the part where I broke your heart into  seven million pieces you liked me, right? Wanna grab a beer?” but until that time, nope. They will SAY they want to be friends but what they MEAN is they want to cry at you.

3) The angry thing

The angry thing is sort of paired up with the phone call part, because at some point the breaker becomes a “stupid selfish ass” and the breakee is “seriously under appreciated you stupid selfish ass.” The angry part lasts a long, long time.

2) The liar

Once you’ve gotten to the “acceptance” stage of the break up, where you realize that no, it’s not a joke, and yes, they don’t like you anymore, some decide to take it to the lying level. Some crazy lies we’ve heard: they’re on their death bed, they’re pregnant, and they’re “seriously going to drive this car off a cliff if you don’t come back to me.”

1) BREAKING AND ENTERING

Because nothing says “I miss you” like committing a felony!

Talk about signs from the heavens –

Richard Butler, a Knoxville, TN man recently decided that he was going to take a big, ill-fated step when he purchased an engagement ring and planned a trip to a local mountaintop with his girlfriend to propose to her. Bethany Lott was a nature-lover, enjoyed hiking and even spent a 2 years in Utah exploring the mountains there. Aw, how cute, you might think. What a lovely, romantic gesture, you’re probably saying.

Well, hold that thought.

Once on the mountain, Richard Butler pulled out a ring to propose, lightning struck 3 times, throwing them each in opposite directions. Richard received 3rd degree burns, but his nature-loving girlfriend was tragically killed.

Now, not even BCU can try and poke fun at a man whose soon to be fiancee was struck and killed by lightening. But we can surmise other common proposal methods gone terribly wrong.

1) Ring in your food: As you smile while your lady takes a bite of her delicious pie, waiting for her to notice the ring, she bites into it, cracks her four front teeth, and runs out screaming.

2) In a hot air balloon: “Yes! YES! A MILLION TIMES YES!” as she pushes you in disbelief and you plummet 300 ft into a pen of rabid dogs.

3) On a Jumbotron at a sports event: You dropped 500 dollars on tickets and planned the flashing message with more passion than you have for Call of Duty. Unfortunately you forget she’s one of the few Sarah’s withOUT an H. Being ditched on the Jumbotron hurts almost as bad as the Lions losing. Again.

read the full story @ the guardian.co.uk

img @ timeinc

Celery is a very versatile vegetable, from being the garnish you ignore in your hot wing basket to “ants on a log” childhood lunch staples. However, recent studies have given guys a new reason to start chomping on that nothing-flavored plant: it’s makes you more attractive to women!

According to the authors of the book Stay Young: Ten Proven Steps to Ultimate Health, celery actually increases the amount of pheromones a man excretes in his sweat. Pheromones, of course are the chemicals that humans decipher as signals to, well, get some booty, so apparently, adding more celery to your diet will basically make women impervious to your sexual advances!

The effects of eating celery are almost immediate, which is great considering our need for immediate gratification, and they don’t stop once you’ve snagged the girl. The authors also say that eating celery will increase your sex drive and create stronger climaxes.

Get to the grocery store quick and “stalk” up on celery today before the word gets out! And don’t make fun on my dumb joke or I’ll be forced to punch you in the head.

Read more at Asylum

Is your internal clock ticking? Feeling the need to procreate and enjoy the wonder of making a baby? This is a disease that is currently making a Bubonic plague-like rampage across America, a fact I’ve deduced due my Facebook friends list thumbnails being about 40% baby photos.  Don’t worry, though, there are many antibiotics for this bacterial outbreak, from birth control to condoms to abstinence (just kidding, that’s awful).

However, if you really want to stem the flow of paternal instinct pouring from your hormones, all you need to do is check out this site: Sh*tMyKidsRuined.com. Overflowing with child-induced disasters like destroyed furniture, broken china, and something called “mustard butt”… it’s enough to turn you off to the idea of kids for another, eh… 10 years?

As I’m sure you know if you typed in/clicked the URL to this site, the BCU staff is, in general, pro-single lifestyle. Not that there aren’t several million marriages around the world that are probably wonderful examples of two people loving each other unconditionally, it’s just that about half of those people actually don’t love each other unconditionally, they just kind of love each other conditionally.

On top of the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce, there’s another reason that getting married will ruin your life, and if you’re a guy, it’s glaringly apparent: say goodbye to your bachelor life liberties.

1. Your “Floor-drobe”

img @ zpistole

Women are notorious for trying a million things on before deciding on an outfit, tossing things casually to the floor or bed after deeming them repulsive and unwearable. However, whether it be after we get home for the night, or the next morning, those clothes will go back in the closet for another try-on sesh later. Men, on the other hand, tend to throw everything on the floor immediately from the dryer, and then pick and choose from their floor-drobe what is least wrinkled to wear each day. Guess how many times that’s allowed to happen once you tie the knot: that’s right. Zero times.

2. Pantsless TV time

img @ weirdworm

Just FYI, we know  that on Sundays you move from your bed to the couch  for early morning football games without putting on pants. We also know you run to put on pants right before we get there so you don’t look like a hobo, because there is only one reason a man in pajama pants would be panting. We’re confused and turned off by this practice, but whatever, you’re a bachelor. Once you get married, pantsless TV becomes prohibited.

Also, how come you have time to put your football jersey on but not pants?

3. Shower Beers

img @ webshots

Something about a cold frosty beer mixed with a steamy shower is totally refreshing. I know, cause I’ve done it. However, if you’re bringing a beer into the shower, it has to be a can, and once you get married, crappy canned beer is only allowed during football games and barbeques. Oh, the humanity!

4. Not having food

img @myspaceantics

Why is it that whenever we have the unfortunate task of opening your refrigerator there is only beer and like, mayonnaise in there? You’re going to the store to buy beer anyway, why can’t you just swing through a couple aisles and get food while you’re at it? Whatever. Either way, once you get married, grocery trips are going to include grocery lists, and a woman + grocery list + envelope of coupons = Not fun.

5. Videogames till 5 am

img @ gamepro

We’re in an age when being annoyed with a guy playing video games is like being irritated that the sun is so damn hot. It’s going to happen, there is nothing you can do about it, so you might as well find something good in it. With the sun- get a tan. With a dude- take his credit card to go shopping. Just kidding, that would be illegal.  Anyway- guys- once you get married, your video game privileges are limited to an hour a day or when you can sneak off to a friends house. You’ll feel like your 12 again, and not in a good way.