I guarantee you that they picked this blondie to interview because she is super cute and has another pair of super cute legs in spandex wrapped around her head. You know what they say, sex sells, even on daytime news shows which are the least-sexy thing in the world. However, they must have instantly regretted spotting her in the crowd but her response to “what Giants player do you want to see” in the post-Super Bowl win parade was about as shameful as you get. I bet that girl is rocking herself back and forth in the shower saying “MANNING. MANNING. I MEANT MANNING. MANNING” right now (and forever).

I remember when I heard that MIA would be making a guest appearance during Madonna’s halftime show performance, I was a little shocked. MIA prides herself on being anti-establishment, and the fact that she would perform during the most pro-capitalism event of the year seemed a little, um, off.

However, it all made sense when MIA decided to put a little unplanned spin on her appearance, dropping an S-bomb and flipping off the camera during her, Madonna, and Nicki Minaj’s performance of “Give Me All Your Luvin’”.

Some people are saying she was making a statement, others think she was being classless. I think the biggest crime was THAT OUTFIT.

What do YOU think of MIA’s bit of creative license?

It’s so close to being Super Bowl weekend, you guys! “But the Super Bowl is only on Sunday!” you might be thinking – wrong. Super Bowl begins tonight, when you argue with your friends about who is going to win, and then tomorrow, when you prepare for the big party by stocking up on chips, chicken wings, bean dip, and beer, and then, of course, SWEET, GLORIOUS SUNDAY, when millions of Americans gather around their TVs to curse and binge eat and pretend like they could totally do a better job of coaching than those idiots.

However, every wonderful event has to be punctuated by something awful to make you appreciate the rest of it, and this year that cringe-worthy punctuation comes in the form of a zombie skeleton named Madonna, who will perform at the halftime show with her terrifying arms ablaze and haunt our dreams for the rest of the month.

Luckily, we have a little video here to prepare you for the onslaught of elderly that we’ll all be experiencing come Sunday: this music video for Madonna’s new single “Give Me All Your Luvin’” (yes, with a U), featuring Nicki Minaj and MIA. With its football theme and incredible Photoshop job making Madonna look almost life-like, this video will give you a taste of the mess of this year’s halftime show. Deep breath, everyone. Brace yourselves.

Guys, I’m nervous for you. I’m nervous that without Sunday football every week, where you men were not only allowed but basically obligated to scream out your frustrations and thrust your genitals around that you are suddenly going to be left with a whole lot of pent up rage. Unlike us ladies who are able to sit and talk for an uninterrupted 14 hours straight to our friends about every single tiny little issue in our lives, you guys just sit there, staring at the TV, grunting at each other and drinking beer.

I’m nervous that after a couple of football-less weeks you’re all going to end up starting a fight club and meeting behind strip clubs to beat the s*** out of each other. The last thing we need is a bunch of bruised up guys walking around looking for the next punch.

So I come to you with this proposal: DANCE OFFS. Once a week, you and a buddy, your front yard, dance competition. You can just get out there and DANCE out all of your frustration and anger and stress and it will end in a productive way instead of with someone bleeding from their anus behind a Red Lobster.

Watch the guys below and learn from them. They know what they’re doing. They’re tough, they’re bad ass, but they also would like to keep the bones in their jaws from being wired shut. I know it’s a weird request, but just think about it. And seriously, watch these guys. They get DOWN.

Well, football is over. That’s it until nex- well, okay, until the draft, which is in April, but that still leaves us with two and a half months of football-less America. And I don’t know about you, but I would rather throw myself off a cliff.

Not only is the season over, but we kinda went out with less of a bang and more of a fizzle, huh? I mean, the game itself was pretty exciting I guess, with the Steelers making a valiant attempt to close the 21 – 10 gap left by Aaron Rodgers and the Packers at the end of the first half. Rapist-berger made a few heinous mistakes early on, though, that may have cost his team the game, and I imagine Rashard Mendenhall is rocking back and forth in a bathtub full of his own tears right now.

Let’s be honest, though, the game itself isn’t all we sit down to see on the first Sunday of February. It’s the experience, the whole EVENT of the Super Bowl that we come for. And we’ve got to say that the “experience” was reminiscent of, I dunno, hearing your parents having sex. For example:

1) Christina Aguilara hates America

Alright look, let’s get this one out of the way. Xtina botched the sh** out of that song. I mean, no one is going to try and say she has a terrible voice, no one is going to say she doesn’t have stage presence, and no one is going to say that the Nation Anthem is easy to sing, especially in front of basically THE ENTIRE NATION. However, if she’d spent more time learning the lyrics and less time deciding how many dozen extra syllables she was going to add each verse, maybe she’d have remembered all the verses. Also, real quick- when did Christina’s face turn into a puffed marshmallow? Did I miss something?

2) The commercials were just like… commercials

So, there was the whole Eminem thing. We get it, Slim, you’re tough. You can do commercials for an old lady drink and still be tough. COOL GUY ALERT. And then there was the Groupon “Tibet” thing. No one can agree on whether it was a satirical look at Americans and their priorities or if it was a shockingly heartless blow to an oppressed nation. I guess it stirred up some controversy at least, so, good… job? And then there was the “Detroit” thing by Chrysler (barf), Kim Kardashian for Shape Ups (double barf) and of course the annual display of Go Daddy attempting to be sexy (Jon and Kate Plus Eight BARFS). The only good one was the VW commercial with the little Darth Vader. If that were an Ebay sale, I’d say A +++, would watch again.

3) The half-time disaster sent from hell to burn our eyes and melt our ears off

WHAT.

WAS.

THAT.

Well, that’s your Super Bowl recap of 2011. Hope you’ll join us next year when hopefully they spend the 50 million dollars they allot for the half time show and do something with it that’s less of a waste. Say for example, giving it to charity, or, I dunno, throwing it in the trash.

I wonder what it’s like to wake up in Green Bay or Pittsburgh today. It’s Friday, and you’re going to work, and you have to behave like an adult, but also IT’S MFing SUPER BOWL WEEKEND, EVERYONE! I bet that’s how it is in offices all over those two cities. A bunch of decoy Excel sheets hiding tabs upon tabs of Super Bowl predictions and e-mail arguments about whose quarterback is going to rape who elses tight end.

In San Diego, on the other hand, we’re like “eh,” and also “I don’t even know where Green Bay is, is that in Alaska” and stuff like that, but we’re still excited because FOOTBALL and BEER and BETS YOU CAN’T AFFORD!

So, moving on, for all my east coasters whose only escape from the Siberian blizzard deathscape you live in is three hours of men running around in tights, I give you, BCU’s Weekend To Dos, SUPER BOWL EDITION, DUH.

1) Stay home and physically and mentally prepare for Sunday

You need to stay out of trouble for the next two days to avoid the Sunday morning hangover AND those poorly conceived drunken bets we tend to throw out after a few shots. No, sir, the score is not going to be 100 to zero. Don’t make that bet. Also no, The Black Eyed Peas will not bring out special guest Patrick Swayze. Be honest with yourself. Stay home, maybe hit the gym a couple times to preemptively atone for what your body will go through on Sunday, and keep your mind clear. This is a big day.

2) Seek out the best after-game locales

If you are pulling out all the stops this Sunday and don’t mind hobbling into the office with a killer headache on Monday, prepare for an after-party. If you are ACTUALLY a fan of one of these two teams, you’ll probably know where to go after the game ends (win: anywhere on Earth because all is right with the world, loss: your bathroom floor in a hot shower trying melt the pain in your heart). But if you aren’t a fan of either team, you’ll want to make your way to the supporting bar for whichever team won- it is guaranteed to be a great time. Check local Yelp! message boards for the 411 on the spot to be after the game.

3) Throw your own official BCU “Could Be the Last  Super Bowl Party Ever” Party and DOCUMENT IT!

Follow these awesome tips to throwing a sweet Super Bowl party, and make sure someone with a camera documents every moment. As you may have heard, the NFL is currently in some sort of budget debate that could potentially mean we have no football season next year. Now personally, I think that’s hilarious. Considering I can’t get a hotdog and a beer for less than my RENT at a football game, I’m pretty sure they won’t risk losing that kind of income, but it’s crazy to imagine this could be the last Super Bowl.

So remember, from the opening kick-off tequila shot to the halftime dance party to the following downward spiral into a front yard brawl, we want to see it all (especially that last part, because you know how we. Love. Public. Brawls). So cue up that camera, open up a beer Sunday morning, and celebrate the Super Bowl like it’s the last one you’ll ever see (because it might be) (but it probably won’t) (BUT WHAT IT IF?!)

HAPPY SUPER BOWL, WEEKEND WARRIORS!

This is my favorite post of this week, where we at BCU impart to you, the readers, some great tips on how to throw a totally awesome Super Bowl party. With it being Thursday, you’ll need to get a start tonight, because the grocery store on Sunday morning is going to be a cluster f*** of middle aged men walking around grabbing everything they see without a cart because it’s too late to go back, GO GO GO! and trust us, you do not want to get in their way.

So print this out and get on your way, and on Sunday you’ll be ready to crack open your first beer before most people even find a parking spot at Vons.

1) CHECK THE WEEKLY ADS –or– BUY IN BULK

Despite their sneaky discounts on bread that’s about to go bad, corporate heads at grocery stores know how to price things. It’s Super Bowl weekend and each store is going to have to compete with others to offer phenomenal pricing on the food football fans love most: grillables, snacks, beer, pizza, and more. So when you check the mail tonight, don’t throw away the ads and check out which stores are offering the best prices. However, if you’re throwing a HUGE party, then stores that sell in bulk (Smart and Final and especially Costco or Sam’s Club) have the best deals on 100 packs of hotdogs and palettes of Fritos.

2) CANS (not a keg), PAPER PLATES, TRASH CANS and LOTS OF PAPER TOWELS

These are NECESSITIES for your party. Keep a roll of paper towels in each possible sitting locale you can see. Otherwise you’ll be faced with this common atrocity: someone looking around, shifting in their seat, and wiping their hand stealthily on your couch cushion. We are all animals at heart, remember that. Multiple trash cans around the house, paired with cans of beer and soda instead of a keg, will cut down on clean up time in the morning because they can be thrown away as you go, instead of wading through full cups of god knows what the following morning. Same with paper plates. No offense to trees or anything, but the amount of dishwashing I’d have to do on Monday would make me so angry I’d cut down an entire rainforest so they should really let this one slide.

3) Make it a POT LUCK

Just as how every player on a football team is expected to make the best contribution to the team that they can, so should each of your guests. No one should walk in the door empty handed, and whether they bring a 12 pack of beer or a few bags of chips or a pizza or their mom’s home made gnocchi (oh god it’s lunchtime I’m starving), make sure it is known before hand that this is not a “come as you are” type of party. It’s a “BYO-something, you cheap a-hole” type of party.

4) Designate a “STFU WE’RE ACTUALLY WATCHING FOOTBALL” room

Let’s face it, there are people who are coming to party, not to watch the game. There are people who, on the spot, probably couldn’t name one player from either side (BAM – ROGER AARONS, NOT ME, HA!). But there are people who love football and want to enjoy the game, so do not subject them to people standing in front of the TV, milling around, being too loud, and just generally ruining the experience. One large room with the TV up loud MUST be designated, otherwise it’ll be just any party with the TV on and chubby guys in sports jerseys. Remember your roots, Super Bowl Party Thrower, remember your roots.

5) PLAY THIS AWESOME DRINKING GAME I JUST MADE UP

Click on, and print out a several copies of each the “Penalty Flags” below, hand them out to party goers, and decide on the amount of “yards” (drinks) each one is worth. When you catch someone committing a “foul,” flash them one of these flags (homemade by ME) and demand they take their penalty. Each penalty phrase can have many different connotations.

For example:

• “Encroachment” is defined as “advancing beyond proper limits,” so that could mean some dude invading your personal space, or if you witness someone doing some over-the-top crotch adjusting.
• “Unnecessary Doucheness” must have a consensus among other referees. As long as someone else agrees that a guy’s V-neck is FAR too deep or that a girl’s whining is getting out of hand, you can give them this penalty.
• “Neutral Zone Infraction” could be if someone walks in on you peeing, or if you see some over the top PDA. This is a Super Bowl party, not a middle school dance.
• “Holding” has so many options. Someone grabs your beer, a dude holds a hug with you a little too long, someone has been nursing a beer for two hours, etc.
• “C*ck Block” is like a Chop Block, except that instead of an two offensive players blocking one defensive player, it’s some dude coming in and trying to… oh COME ON, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.

Feel free to make up your own penalty flags too!

With your free spirit and BCU’s helpful tips, you should be able to make this party the ultimate success. Make sure you have a camera handy, take some awesome pictures, and show us your party.

HAPPY ALMOST SUPER BOWL!

The real artists of our age work in tiny Vienna Sausages and guacamole. That’s right, our Countdown to the Superbowl Day 5 post is an ode to the most masterful of football foods: the SNACK-ADIUM.

There are many types of Snackadiums, all which masterfully deliver to each party-goer’s snack needs. Some need the spice, some want salty, and others want sweet (no thanks, I’m not 5 years old), but with one solid snackadium, you can deliver to each individual’s taste buds without having to wait for the perpetually stoned delivery dude. BCU is helping you out with some tips on creating your ULTIMATE snackadium for whatever size your Super Bowl party might be.

For just a couple people:

img via moacirpdsp.flickr

As you can see, this smaller snackadium is the perfect size for two to three buddies or your family this weekend. The last thing you want is to be left with a ton of food that won’t last, so make sure you make it small enough that you won’t be wasting a ton of food. Got some spicy Cheetohs, crackers and Doritos and carefully place them around the sides of a medium sized aluminum roasting pan, and divide them with big pretzel chips. In the middle, equally divide the three dips: cheese dip, guacamoles, and salsa. Feel free to have way more guacamole than salsa because guacamole is better than… well, anything. Line the “field” of guacamole with sour cream and stick small people cheese sticks in the middle. Proceed to grub.

For a bigger party with a sweeter tooth:

via holytaco

This one comes to use from the guys at HolyTaco.com, who took the snackadium to a masterful level with Slim Jim uprights and a Twinkie exterior. For the full instructions on how to construct this guy, check out the guide at HolyTaco.com. They’ll guide even the least cooking savvy man to greatness. But before you go, here is a grocery list so you make sure you get everything you need:

1 Pound of Guacamole
15 Oz. Queso Dip For The Steelers End Zone
15 Oz. Salsa For The Cardinals End Zone
2 Oz. Sour Cream for the Field Lines
15 Vienna Sausages
Helmets – 3 Oz. Sharp Cheddar Cheese
1 Slim Jim for Each Goal Post
1 Oz. Monterey Jack Cheddar To Anchor (each)
58 Twinkies
1 Pound of Bacon
1 Bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos
1 Bag of Cheetos
1 Bag of Corn Tortilla Chips
1 Bag of Chex Mix

For the most glorious combination of gluttony and art you ever have or ever will see

I really thought there might be a chance that someone, somewhere might outdo the folks at Break Media and make a more awesome Snackadium than this one, but I guess it just cannot be done. With its unbelievable size and plethora of goodies, it almost has an air of “looks too good to eat” to it, minus the fact that I want to eat every last bit of it. We featured this incredible work of art last year right around this time, but it seems as though no one could even muster up a rival for this delicious-looking work of snack-itecture If you have the time and effort to put into creating something of this magnitude, you would be a master among men. Find the ingredients and calorie counts here, but don’t say we didn’t warn you… it’s pretty horrible.

DO IT!

img via northjersey.com

Now that we’ve gone over the potentially disastrous parts of this weekends testosterone-fest, let’s lighten the mood with a pleasant look at the top 5 super bad-ass, TOTALLY UNBEATABLE parts of Super Bowl weekend.

1) The Great Bar Vs Barbeque Party War

Every year, my group of friends debates for a solid month and a half about whether or not we’re going to watch the Super Bowl at a bar or at a house BBQ. I always lead Team BBQ, because a) I’m a cheap-ass, b) I make the best seven layer dip, and c) pretty much mostly the cheap-ass part. However, it’s always fun to picture-text-war with your friends to see who is at the more awesome party. This year, whether you end up at home or out in public, remember: this is the only exciting thing that is going to happen until… like, what… St. Patrick’s Day? Make it count!

2) Girls + Football – Paying Attention to Girls = AWESOME

Look, as a lady who honestly knows very little (re: practically nothing) about football, but who enjoys to party, even I know this weekend is perfect for mixed groups of friends. Think about it: you, all your buddies, football, beer, hot girls in tiny jerseys, and also hot girls in tiny jerseys who can’t get mad if you don’t pay attention to them. We can sit in our corner of friends and talk about how much we “don’t understand this game” and “can’t wait ’till it’s over” but in reality, we are NOT allowed to bother you during the Super Bowl. It’s like, woman code.

3) The Super Bowl Drinking Game

This year, we at the BCU offices are concocting quite the DOOZY of a Super Bowl drinking game, which may involving printing out PENALTY CARDS with #s of drinks on them and handing them to people doing annoying things. Check back in for that one tomorrow.[Note: combining a Steeler loss with too many shots of Jameson and a card that says "Unnecessary Douche-ness" may result in a major ass-kicking. We are not responsible for that.]

4) The battle of America’s Next Top Football Team

I recently noticed that if you type in Super Bowl XLV into Google, like 50% of the articles are about deciding which team is more “American.” Well, the Steelers have won 6 Super Bowls. The Packers are the only publicly owned NFL team. The Steelers have the most Hall of Fame inductees. The Packers are from the smallest city in the league. For some odd reason they’re both really proud that they don’t have cheerleaders even though what the hell am I supposed to look at when the commercials end? Needless to say, the only thing holding one of them back from being the Official America’s Next Top Football Team is winning this Super Bowl. So I assume that whatever team loses get immediate membership to Al Qaeda WHICH IS AWESOME.

5) What are sure to be inspired, insightful, and not at all drunk Super Bowl tweets from other NFLers

I know that I included this on the top 5 WORST things about this weekend, but really, I don’t know what I was thinking. Fingers crossed that someone starts another Tweet battle with Jesus Christ Himself!

I look forward to this weekend every year, and even though I have literally zero emotional investment in either team, I suppose that might make it even more fun. Although I do hate Ben Roethlisberger’s head shape. It’s sort of like the gopher from Caddyshack, except if the gopher was an alleged rapist.

Hmm.

GO PACKERS.

img via zimbio

Green Bay Packers. Pittsburgh Steelers. Two teams from two cities that I neither know nor care ANYTHING about. Actually no – I think one of them likes cheese or something? Maybe? Either way, the Super Bowl is this weekend, and despite it having not one team that I am even vaguely interested in, we still have to make the most of it, by hosting your own BCU approved Super Bowl Party! But the rules for that one come later in the week…

Today we give you the top five WORST things to watch for this Super Bowl weekend!

1) The Pro Bowl, just kidding that was yesterday but it was SO BO-RIIIIING.

According to Pro Football Talk, “even the NFL can’t avoid recognizing the Pro Bowl is a dud,” because since there are no writers on board for the Pro Bowl, they were forced to instead broadcast an AP piece that was basically a smear campaign. My favorite quote: that the Pro Bowl is “seemingly played at half speed by players whose biggest concern is to get on the plane home without injury. The AFC took that attitude to an uncomfortable extreme early . . . “ The NFC blew the AFC out of the water, scoring 42 – 0 by halftime. When asked about his teams performance, Bill Belichick said “it is what it is.” Oh good, awesome. Great commentary. Thank you so, so much.

2) The Black Eyed Peas half-time show

Dude, what is the DEAL with the Black Eyed Peas? Do they have a standing agreement that they will play any gig handed to them ever? I imagine they are getting paid insane money to play halftime, but why?? Who even cares about the Black Eyed Peas anymore?  They are and always have been the worst, and their most recent single is no exception. Time of My Life? More like Time of My Barf All Over Your Face. Unless Fergie pees her pants again, which would be sort of awesome, this will undoubtedly be the worst halftime show of all time.

3) Eminem in a Lipton Iced Tea commercial

The Super Bowl is generally regarded as the time and place for some of the best commercials ever, from the introduction to the Geico cavemen to the Budweiser frogs and of course Betty White getting tackled by a lineman. All very awesome moments. However, this year the most anticipated commercial is Eminem starring in a Lipton Iced Tea commercial, which is like saying you are really looking forward to the fourth hour of Roots. My prediction? “Look at this very tough man starring in a commercial about a light fruity drink! HOW DELIGHTFULLY UNEXPECTED!” Dumb.

4) What are sure to be inspired, insightful, and not at all drunk Super Bowl tweets from other NFLers

Like I said, inspired and insightful and definitely not at all drunk.

5) The part where people die

Despite Jeremy Piven’s astute observation that this Super Bowl will be a “cheesy-rape burger,” the high stress of this highly anticipated game actually heightens your risk of heart attack. Researchers a USC claim that after the 1980 loss of the LA Rams to the Steelers, heart attack rates in men went up by 15%, and in women by 27%. The more intense the game, they said, the more likely one might be to get a heart attack, especially in older watchers. Have an especially die-hard Steeler fan for a grandma? You might want to give her a little hug before kick-off.

Now that we got all that miserable business out of the way, let’s reconvene tomorrow to discuss the top 5 BEST things about Super Bowl XLV!