In recent Never-Saw-That-Coming news, the vuvuzela, the African horn-like instrument that tops the International List of Annoying Instruments (even above bagpipes!), is officially banned from European soccer matches....

After much scientific research, I have come to the theory that the vuvuzela sucks in 48 ways (so far). Reasons 1 through 46 are all related to the horrific, mind-numbing noise they make. Reason 47 is they have spawned a...